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Post by rondetto on Mar 24, 2017 16:25:46 GMT
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor said she should run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose the 20 pounds she's been trying to get rid of.
The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky 20 pounds.
She then phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
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Post by rondetto on Mar 24, 2017 16:34:25 GMT
As the storm raged, the captain realised his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets. We're one short."
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Post by rondetto on Mar 24, 2017 18:25:41 GMT
A Scotsman and an Irishman were applying for the same job. The boss said, Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job.
So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. "Well, he said, Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the Irishman."
The Scot complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"
"Well", the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the Irish man answered I don't know, and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, I don't know either."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2017 21:19:03 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Mar 25, 2017 13:35:55 GMT
`You seem to be in some distress,' said the kindly judge to the witness. `Is anything the matter?'
`Well, your Honour,' said the witness, `I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."
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Post by rondetto on Mar 25, 2017 13:41:20 GMT
The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.
However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.
Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".
A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:
" I think Wayne Rooney should be knighted."
"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"
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Post by Deleted on Mar 25, 2017 21:25:09 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Mar 26, 2017 12:48:26 GMT
There are two kinds of people. Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
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Post by rondetto on Mar 26, 2017 12:53:47 GMT
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2017 20:52:38 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Mar 27, 2017 9:37:04 GMT
I've used up all my sick days at work that I'm allowed, so I'm thinking of calling in dead.
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Post by rondetto on Mar 27, 2017 9:38:51 GMT
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe, old age.
A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
"Mayor, you have to do something about the pavements in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has already fallen three times this week!"
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Post by rondetto on Mar 27, 2017 12:48:27 GMT
- Some real church notice boards:
The Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
- The scouts will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
- Thursday night chicken Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 27, 2017 14:48:50 GMT
In similar vein Ron and a true tale, there was a sign in a local café in Bristol which said 'Close to two major hospitals'. And when you went in there were business cards which said 'Mike and Sandra welcome you' but the Sandra had been crossed out and the name 'Jane' written in with a pen!
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Post by rondetto on Mar 27, 2017 14:56:36 GMT
Ha ha!!
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