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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2017 16:46:49 GMT
What have the following in common.
The pope
A drunk
A dead Scotsman?
The pope has a canopy over his head
The drunk has a can of pee under his bed
The dead Scotsman canna pee at all.
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Post by rondetto on Mar 20, 2017 19:06:59 GMT
I have a couple which are a little too raunchy for some sites. Maybe if you had a column for X rated stuff I would post some
because if people didn't want to see that then they don't have to look. But with respect I won't post anything too rude or
any bad language.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2017 3:38:15 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Mar 21, 2017 11:45:25 GMT
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.
And with pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."
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Post by rondetto on Mar 21, 2017 17:45:15 GMT
A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, "I have
some very bad news for you. I'm afraid that you're afflicted
with a fatal and incurable disease."
So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING I can do, doc?"
"Hmmm.... maybe you should go to a spa and start taking
daily mud baths." The doctor tells the patient.
"Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?"
"Probably not . . . but at least you'll get used to being
covered in dirt!"
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2017 23:38:20 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Mar 22, 2017 9:53:39 GMT
Lawyer: "Doctor, how many of your post mortems have you performed on dead people?"
WITNESS: "All my post mortems are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?"
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Post by rondetto on Mar 22, 2017 13:30:42 GMT
Cheryl and Ann were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, Cheryl said, "Seems like all Alf and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."
"Why don't you just leave him then ?" said Ann.
"Oh ! Not yet." Cheryl replied, "I'd like to lose at least another ten to fifteen pounds first."
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Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2017 23:06:33 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Mar 23, 2017 10:47:25 GMT
A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing.
The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing.
The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replied, "No use knocking, mate, there's no paper in this one either."
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Post by rondetto on Mar 23, 2017 11:38:45 GMT
I stopped at a fast-food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat-Free French Fries. I decided to give them a try.
I was dismayed when the assistant pulled a basket of fries from the fryer, which was dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order.
"Just a minute!" I said. "Those aren't fat-free."
"Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes . . . the fat is free!"
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Post by rondetto on Mar 23, 2017 14:57:57 GMT
Diner: "How do you explain this twig I found in my rice? "
Waiter: "It stands to reason, sir. Our restaurant has branches everywhere."
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Post by rondetto on Mar 23, 2017 15:21:23 GMT
After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die.
No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Daddy, do it again!!!"
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2017 21:56:52 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Mar 24, 2017 14:58:28 GMT
Diner: I'd like some coffee without milk. Waiter: We don't have any milk, sir. How about coffee without cream?
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