Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2017 22:02:27 GMT
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Post by aubrey on Mar 19, 2017 8:25:05 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Mar 19, 2017 10:36:37 GMT
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. "Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden."
The prisoner writes back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
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Post by rondetto on Mar 19, 2017 11:59:33 GMT
TV star Jonathan Ross has been caught shoplifting in Harrods' kitchen department.
The controversial chat show host told police it was a whisk he had to take.
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Post by rondetto on Mar 19, 2017 12:50:01 GMT
Jim and Bob are golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine and climbs down in search of it.
Jim spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realises that the shiny object is an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Jim calls out to Bob in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, I got trouble down here."
Bob calls out, "Whats the matter Jim?"
Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron. You cant get out of here with an 8-iron."
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Post by rondetto on Mar 19, 2017 15:04:10 GMT
One day a blonde woman named Sally finally got tired of everyone assuming she was stupid because of her hair colour. She decided to go to the hairdressers and have her hair dyed brown.
Feeling quite proud of her new look she decided to go for a drive in the country. After a while she came upon a shepherd. Trying to test out her new look she walked over to him and asked, "If I can guess how many sheep you have may I take one for a reward?"
The shepherd thought that she would never guess the exact number of sheep, so he took her bet and let her try. Amazingly she guessed 98, the exact number of sheep he owned.
Feeling rather good about herself, she picked up her reward and started walking back to her car. Before she got there the shepherd tapped her on the shoulder.
"If I can guess your natural hair colour, can I have my dog back?"
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Post by rondetto on Mar 19, 2017 15:06:36 GMT
"Doc, I keep thinking I'm a bridge.'
'I wonder what's come over you?'
'So far, three cars, a truck and a bus.
"
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2017 0:38:10 GMT
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Post by marispiper on Mar 20, 2017 8:45:54 GMT
Aside from the joke, which is very funny, it also amused me that the two 'likes' are from ladies 😁😁 |
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Post by rondetto on Mar 20, 2017 10:08:01 GMT
A newly retired man was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.
The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the hole," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
"Oh great! NOW you tell me. said the beginner."
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Post by rondetto on Mar 20, 2017 11:21:10 GMT
ATTORNEY: "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: " Your honour, is this lawyer qualified?"
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Post by rondetto on Mar 20, 2017 11:50:15 GMT
Visitor: "So, young man, is this your brother?"
Little boy: "Yes, sir."
Visitor: "He's very small, isn't he?"
Little boy: "Well, he's only my half-brother."
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Post by rondetto on Mar 20, 2017 11:55:51 GMT
I have to ask these questions:
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe it, but if someone tells you a wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure?
Are Lipton Tea employees allowed to take coffee breaks?
What hair colour do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says 'It's only a game,' when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of light is and if there's a speed of dark too.
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Post by rondetto on Mar 20, 2017 13:50:54 GMT
ATTORNEY: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? "
WITNESS: "Yes."
ATTORNEY: "And what were you doing at that time?"
WITNESS: "Ahem......excuse me?"
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Post by ARENA on Mar 20, 2017 16:24:39 GMT
Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wife before leaving and said, ‘Jean – put your hat and coat on lassie.’
She replied, ‘Awe Ian that’s nice – are you taking me to the pub with you?’
‘Nah, I’m just switching the central heating off while I’m out.’
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