Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 16, 2017 19:02:41 GMT
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Post by ARENA on Mar 17, 2017 10:10:42 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Mar 17, 2017 11:43:14 GMT
A woman in a supermarket sees a deal offering 5 boxes of Tampax for £1. She can't believe how good the deal is and asks the manager "is this deal correct?"
"Yes madam, 5 boxes for a pound, no strings attached"
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Post by rondetto on Mar 17, 2017 12:54:23 GMT
OUR ENGLISH:
The English Language
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.
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Post by rondetto on Mar 17, 2017 15:05:41 GMT
The new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous, and about ten minutes into the sermon his mind went blank. After a brief second of complete panic, he remembered what they had taught him in seminary about situations like this: repeat the last point. His teacher assured him this would help him remember what was supposed to come next. So he gave it a try.
"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. He tried again. "Behold, I come quickly." Still nothing.He tried one more time -- speaking and gesturing with such force that he fell forward, knocking the pulpit to one side, tripping over the flower pot, and falling into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.
The young preacher apologised profusely.
"That#s all right, young man," said the little old lady. "It was my fault. I should have gotten out of the way. You told me three times you were coming!"
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Post by rondetto on Mar 17, 2017 15:20:39 GMT
What marriage is:
Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.
Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give.
Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to shut up.
Marriage is a rest period between romances.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is an institution--but who wants to live in an institution?
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
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Post by althea on Mar 17, 2017 15:23:37 GMT
Man walks up to librarian and says "Robert Burns, the complete works please". The librarian replied "sorry Mr. Burns, the massage parlour is next door".
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Post by althea on Mar 17, 2017 15:38:19 GMT
Mick says to Paddy "close your bloody curtains next time you're having sex with the Mrs, all the neighbours were laughing at you yesterday". "Well" said Paddy, "the last laugh is on them, cos I wasn't even in yesterday!"
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Post by rondetto on Mar 17, 2017 17:38:29 GMT
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
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Post by rondetto on Mar 17, 2017 19:07:05 GMT
A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place--the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.
"Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
"Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but I have to tell you that God never turned up for work on one single day!"
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2017 3:25:09 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Mar 18, 2017 13:52:24 GMT
I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly.
At the window, there was a delay. Finally, the assistant came to the window looking frustrated, and announced, "I'm having a problem. The ice keeps melting."
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Post by rondetto on Mar 18, 2017 14:21:27 GMT
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything Mother says?"
Five small voices answered in union. "Okay, Dad. You get to keep the toy."
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Post by althea on Mar 18, 2017 15:23:03 GMT
I was in Asda today with two trolleys of booze and all my shopping, when a little old lady got behind me in the queue. She only had a pint of milk, so I said, "is that all you've got love?" She replied "yes". So I did the decent thing and said, "if I were you, I'd go to another till, I'm going to be ages".
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Post by rondetto on Mar 18, 2017 16:13:29 GMT
A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were arguing as to which profession was older.
"Well," argued the doctor, "without a physician mankind could not have survived, so I am sure that mine is the oldest profession."
"No," said the engineer, "before life began there was complete chaos, and it took an engineer to create some semblance of order from this chaos. So engineering is older."
"Now listen gentlemen," chirped the triumphant politician, "who do you think created the chaos?"
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