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Post by althea on Mar 14, 2017 11:15:47 GMT
Three musical quips...........
There was music coming out of my printer......it was the paper jamming
She broke into song because she couldn't find the key................
Lego drum kits.....if you can't beat 'em join 'em
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Post by althea on Mar 14, 2017 11:18:20 GMT
The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, "This changes everything".
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Post by rondetto on Mar 14, 2017 11:58:00 GMT
The tech guy asked her if she was 'running her computer under Windows.
The woman then responded, 'No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.'
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Post by rondetto on Mar 14, 2017 11:59:41 GMT
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: 'I'd like a mouse pad, please.'
Salesperson: 'Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.'
Customer: 'But will they be compatible with my computer?'
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 14, 2017 12:27:08 GMT
Two bishops were I bed. Which one wore the nightie?
Mrs Bishop of course.
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Post by rondetto on Mar 14, 2017 13:56:28 GMT
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
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Post by rondetto on Mar 14, 2017 16:27:35 GMT
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about
trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches
in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull . but that's
not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things
up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was.I slip and slide and
skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My spare tyres are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.My fuel rate burns
inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it -----------------------
------- Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator
leaks or my exhaust backfires
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Post by Deleted on Mar 14, 2017 20:55:25 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Mar 15, 2017 10:16:09 GMT
Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.
Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.
I was a fool - nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
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Post by rondetto on Mar 15, 2017 13:24:02 GMT
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.
Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?"
The patient holds up his wrist and says, "Well, then I suppose I'd just look at my watch."
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Post by rondetto on Mar 15, 2017 21:23:07 GMT
Mum: "Junior, when those boys started throwing rocks at you, why didn't you come and tell me instead of throwing rocks back?"
Son: "But Mum, you're aim isn't as good as mine."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 15, 2017 22:28:56 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Mar 16, 2017 11:25:55 GMT
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger.
"You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board," said the minister.
"You know," said the man. "If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."
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Post by rondetto on Mar 16, 2017 13:06:01 GMT
An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order catalogue the following: "Please send me one of those diesel engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a cheque."
In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send cheque. If it's any good, we'll send you the engine."
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Post by rondetto on Mar 16, 2017 15:03:30 GMT
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open.
She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Maam, before you do that again, you need to remove your cat."
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