|
|
Post by rondetto on Mar 11, 2017 16:56:33 GMT
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a holiday. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 11, 2017 22:23:49 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by aubrey on Mar 12, 2017 7:08:34 GMT
Older Man: I saw my very first Porn Movie last night!
Younger Man: Yeah, right.
Older Man: I was so much younger then!
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Mar 12, 2017 11:42:24 GMT
Host: "There's a storm outside. You can't go home in such bad weather -- why not spend the night here?"
Guest: "All right. Just let me go home first and get my pyjamas."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Mar 12, 2017 11:52:12 GMT
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "We're 50-50 partners.......Buy me out."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Mar 12, 2017 16:33:13 GMT
An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her chair. He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response.
He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response. Finally, he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"
She replied, "for the third time, yes!"
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Mar 12, 2017 16:36:37 GMT
Wife: "Oh, this is terrible! I made such a lovely meat pie for dinner and the cat ate it all up!"
Husband: "Don't cry over it ... You know, we can always get another cat."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Mar 12, 2017 18:37:51 GMT
Have you heard about the guys who drove their pickup truck into a lumberyard? One of them walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
"You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" the clerk said.
"Let me go check," replied the man, and he went back to the truck.
"Yeah, I meant two-by-fours," he said, returning a few moments later.
"Alright. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute to think and then finally said, "I'd better go check."
After awhile he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're building a house."
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2017 0:15:31 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Mar 13, 2017 12:41:00 GMT
A woman came to her doctor in a panic.
"Doctor, all day long my daughter eats Mr Muscle polish and car wax, and won't get out of bed! What will happen to her?"
"Don't worry," said the Doctor, "eventually she will rise and shine."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Mar 13, 2017 15:23:11 GMT
I have no self respect or confidence at all:
"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
"My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair."
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."
"Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him...Do you think we'll ever find them.? He said..I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."
"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On your marks..."
"On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me sweets."
"I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face."
"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday"
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Mar 13, 2017 15:30:02 GMT
A lady of the night was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up.
"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours." she replied. "Do you think I might be a haemophiliac?"
"Well," the doctor answered, "Haemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a haemophiliac.
Tell me, how much to you lose when you have your period?"
After calculating for a moment, the lady replied, "Oh, about two hundred pounds a night, I guess."
|
|
|
|
Post by althea on Mar 13, 2017 20:59:53 GMT
What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.
|
|
|
|
Post by althea on Mar 13, 2017 21:00:49 GMT
Young girl walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the bloke with whom she had sex the previous evening, after they had met in a pub. He is stacking washing powder boxes on shelves.
"You lying sod!" she yells. "Last night you told me you were a stunt pilot!
"No I didn't," he says, "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team."
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2017 22:54:04 GMT
|
|
