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Post by rondetto on Jul 29, 2019 14:48:02 GMT
It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.
As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I'm not opening the store!"
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Post by ARENA on Jul 30, 2019 9:45:17 GMT
Australian Sat-nav........ "Straight on mate, no worries"
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Post by rondetto on Jul 30, 2019 10:47:03 GMT
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we will forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager.
For ever and ever.
To all barmen.
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Post by rondetto on Jul 30, 2019 11:49:07 GMT
A group of Canadians was travelling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced.
She then asked, "What do you do in Canada with your old goats that aren't producing?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."
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Post by aubrey on Jul 31, 2019 8:13:29 GMT
Bloke in a watch shop.
"Could I have a watch, please?"
"Certainly, Sir. Analogue?"
"No, just the watch, thanks."
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Post by rondetto on Jul 31, 2019 9:28:51 GMT
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mum, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
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Post by rondetto on Jul 31, 2019 14:20:16 GMT
You know how Americans call it going to the John(Toilet)
Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds more impressive when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
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Post by rondetto on Jul 31, 2019 17:25:07 GMT
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course.
But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the £12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
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Post by aubrey on Jul 31, 2019 22:04:30 GMT
I saw a strip club across the street from a minigolf place and I’m liberal but that’s too much for me. What if you’re just trying to have a nice afternoon with your family then your kids look across the street and have to see a bunch of losers playing minigolf?
(Samantha Ruddy)
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Post by anybody on Aug 1, 2019 7:42:32 GMT
Question: What do you call a dog that’s also a magician?
Answer: A labra-cadabra-dor
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Post by aubrey on Aug 1, 2019 9:05:33 GMT
Whenever I'm in trouble I think "What would Jesus do?"
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.
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Post by rondetto on Aug 1, 2019 12:00:38 GMT
A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. A Passersby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him.
He began a terrific struggle and had to be sedated by the medics. Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had struggled so.
He said, a bit sheepishly, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of this huge, flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign."
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Post by rondetto on Aug 1, 2019 15:19:08 GMT
Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet?
A: The 1863 Blonde Hide-and-Seek champion!
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Post by rondetto on Aug 2, 2019 12:45:16 GMT
A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. They dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage.
But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "June."
"Yes, this is June."
"Will you marry me?"
"Of course I will! Who's this speaking though please."
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Post by rondetto on Aug 3, 2019 5:38:54 GMT
-------------------------
Test
-------------------------
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result.
This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right..
While at the funeral of her own mother, a woman met a man who she did not know. She thought he was 'amazing'. She believed him to be her dream partner so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.
A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What was her motive for killing her sister?
Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below..
Answer:
She was hoping the guy would appear again at her sister's funeral. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.
This was a test developed by a famous American psychologist, used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.
Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly... If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.
If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my e-mail list.
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