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Post by althea on Jul 20, 2019 15:05:39 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Jul 20, 2019 16:51:59 GMT
A man walks into a store and he saw a thermos. The clerk walks up to him and asks, "May I help you with anything?"
"Yea! What is that?"
"Why that's a thermos flask."
"What's it do?"
"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!"
"I'll take it"
The next day the man goes to work carrying this thermos. His co-workers ask him, "What's that!"
"It's a thermos flask."
"What's it do?"
"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!"
"So whatcha got in it?"
"Two ice lollies and a cup of coffee."
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Post by rondetto on Jul 21, 2019 8:00:01 GMT
An old man saw a very tired soldier resting after a hard foot march. The man said with disdain: "When I was of your age I thought nothing of a ten-mile hike."
"Well, I don't think much of it either," replied the soldier.
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Post by rondetto on Jul 21, 2019 14:02:12 GMT
Wife: "Our new neighbour always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"
Husband: "Well, I would but I hardly know the woman"
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Post by althea on Jul 21, 2019 15:21:52 GMT
This week,the French President said the English are too arrogant to learn other languages - at least I think that's what he said.
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Post by althea on Jul 21, 2019 15:22:26 GMT
I went on a barging holiday last year. I haven't got a boat,I just went about pushing people into canals.
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Post by althea on Jul 21, 2019 15:23:08 GMT
I went to buy some fancy underwear last week. I said to the assistant,"Are these knickers satin?"
She said,"No,they're brand new."
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Post by althea on Jul 21, 2019 15:23:52 GMT
Red sky at night,light of shorter wavelengths is being dissipated by water and dust.
Red sky in the morning - the same.
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Post by rondetto on Jul 22, 2019 10:38:40 GMT
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, “Quit while you're ahead?”
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60′s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists — most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration…
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Post by rondetto on Jul 22, 2019 15:02:48 GMT
Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, “That’s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."
The next day, the vicar was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."
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Post by rondetto on Jul 23, 2019 11:27:17 GMT
Pat and Jimmy met and one said to the other,
"Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?"
Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."
His friend asked, "Sure, and what d'ye mean by that?"
Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us."
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Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2019 12:27:43 GMT
Pat and Jimmy met and one said to the other,
"Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?"
Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."
His friend asked, "Sure, and what d'ye mean by that?"
Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us." That reminds me of the story of someone asking an Irishman for directions to which he replied "Well, I wouldn't have started from here"
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Post by rondetto on Jul 23, 2019 15:25:45 GMT
Or Paddy and Mick asking a stranger if that was the moon or the sun they could see in the sky. The stranger says "I wouldn't know I'm not from around here."
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Post by rondetto on Jul 24, 2019 8:59:53 GMT
Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?"
"Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"
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Post by rondetto on Jul 24, 2019 15:14:22 GMT
An incompetent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realises he spent all his time making £15 notes.
He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phoney money for real cash.
He travels to a small village and walks into a small Mum and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a £15 note?"
The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An eight and a seven or two sixes and a three?"
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