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Post by rondetto on Jul 16, 2019 4:19:35 GMT
Life questions
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.
Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not
make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
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Post by aubrey on Jul 16, 2019 7:16:52 GMT
There was a craze when I was about 14 of crouching down and breathing deeply for a minute or so, then standing up and holding your breath. If you'd done it right you'd faint, and if you didn't have a 45º grass bank behind you could hurt yourself.
It was how we used to get high before the bloke in the off-licence would serve us cider.
Then I got the same effect again with dialysis and BP tablets.
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Post by rondetto on Jul 16, 2019 11:31:39 GMT
Did you hear about the psychic amnesiac? He knew in advance what he was going to forget.
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Did you hear about the new restaurant that just opened up on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.
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Post by rondetto on Jul 16, 2019 15:47:21 GMT
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
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Post by rondetto on Jul 17, 2019 11:51:16 GMT
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that,I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
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Post by rondetto on Jul 18, 2019 11:12:46 GMT
Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's bedside table that said "Wake me at six."
An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table: "It's six, you swine! Get out of bed!"
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Post by althea on Jul 18, 2019 15:32:36 GMT
A Red Indian chief had three squaws, or wives. One of them was his favourite and she knew it. Everybody in the tribe slept on a buffalo hide, but the no. 1 wife told the chief she wanted a hippopotamus hide. He thought so much of her that he managed to obtain one, so she happily slept on that every night.
A few months later it became clear that all three squaws were pregnant. The chief hoped he would get three sons [It was a male-dominated society. It wasn't very PC either, as you may have noticed.] Eventually, one evening one of the other two squaws gave birth....and it was a boy. Everyone was very pleased. The next day the other no.2 squaw gave birth, and it was twin boys. Huge celebrations. Everybody was waiting to see what the no. 1 squaw would provide.
And two days later, she produced...triplets. Three little boys. The chief was ecstatic.
Which proves that the squaw on the hippopotamus equals the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.
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Post by althea on Jul 18, 2019 15:33:11 GMT
Thomas Harris: 'I've written a new book'.
Publisher: 'I hope it's better than the last one about a murderer called Hurderer'.
Thomas Harris: 'Well, it's about a cannibal...'.
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Post by althea on Jul 18, 2019 15:34:11 GMT
One time,at a party,I threw my car keys into a big bowl.
The trifle was ruined.
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Post by rondetto on Jul 19, 2019 4:05:19 GMT
"Single Black Female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight week-old black Labrador retriever.
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Post by rondetto on Jul 19, 2019 10:56:45 GMT
Lady: "Do you drink? "
Man: "Yes "
Lady:"How much a day? "
Man: "3 to 6 packs"
Lady: "How much per 6 pack ?"
Man: "about £10.00 "
Lady: "And how long have you been drinking?"
Man: "15 years "
Lady: "So 1 6 pack cost £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct? "
Man: "Correct "
Lady:"If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct?"
Man: "Correct "
Lady: "Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?"
Man:" Do you drink? "
Lady:"No"
Man: "Where's your bloody Ferrari then?"
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Post by aubrey on Jul 19, 2019 13:28:33 GMT
"If I had all the money I'd spent on drink, I'd spend it on drink." - Sir Henry Rawlinson
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Post by rondetto on Jul 20, 2019 10:25:54 GMT
At a wedding party recently, someone yelled, "All the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living!"
The bartender was crushed to death.
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Post by rondetto on Jul 20, 2019 11:38:46 GMT
If a man is in the forest, talking to himself, with no woman around is he still wrong?
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Post by rondetto on Jul 20, 2019 14:56:38 GMT
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
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