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Post by rondetto on Jul 12, 2019 15:18:32 GMT
SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia.
How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer --Or we'd both still be alive."
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Post by althea on Jul 12, 2019 15:59:30 GMT
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Post by althea on Jul 12, 2019 16:05:26 GMT
I'd hate to be the one to say that my mother was a terrible cook...
But every time I was caught swearing, she'd wash my mouth out with soup.
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Post by aubrey on Jul 13, 2019 8:54:25 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Jul 13, 2019 11:32:11 GMT
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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Post by rondetto on Jul 13, 2019 16:25:16 GMT
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?"
"I opened a can of peas instead."
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Post by rondetto on Jul 14, 2019 7:17:41 GMT
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his
grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and
headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mum and said, "I'm
surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water
guns?"
Mum smiled and then replied....."Yes I remember."
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Post by rondetto on Jul 14, 2019 12:37:21 GMT
Three women are in a gym dressing room when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head. He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.
He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."
He passes by the third woman, who takes a good look as he runs by her.
"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."
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Post by althea on Jul 15, 2019 10:34:06 GMT
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Post by althea on Jul 15, 2019 10:35:03 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Jul 15, 2019 11:51:12 GMT
"You are a cheat!" shouted the barrister to his opponent.
"And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposing lawyer.
Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected, "Now that both attorneys have been identified for the record, let's get on with the case."
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Post by rondetto on Jul 15, 2019 12:27:29 GMT
I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for pounds. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunded of yen. Today I only get hunded eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
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Post by rondetto on Jul 15, 2019 15:51:02 GMT
A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"
"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, and we had sex almost every night,"
His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you have sex almost every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost had sex Monday, we almost had sex Tuesday..."
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Post by rondetto on Jul 15, 2019 17:40:21 GMT
Latest: News Headlines:
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years at Checkout Counter
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies.
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years.
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2019 19:36:11 GMT
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