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Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2017 9:46:50 GMT
A man went for an interview for a job with the local council.
'Any allergies?'
Yes coffee.
'Have you ever been in the services?'
Yes, I spent two years in Afghanistan.
'Great, that gives you two extra points. Did you ever get injured?'
Yes, I was blown up by a roadside bomb and have lost both testicles.
'Wow, well that gives you two more points and if you want to you can start on Monday. Come in around 10.'
I thought the hours on the advert were from 8.30 to five?
'Well yes, but this is a council job and for the first hour or so we stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls, so there is not much point in you starting before 10.'
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Post by rondetto on Mar 9, 2017 11:25:30 GMT
A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked.
The aged Gentleman replied, "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath. . . . doctor, I'm very concerned!"
The doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said,: "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"
The old gent's response was, "Well. . . three times last night, and twice again this morning!"
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Post by rondetto on Mar 9, 2017 11:40:29 GMT
Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"
Customer: "Are you crazy woman,it's three feet deep with snow and twenty below outside!"
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Post by rondetto on Mar 9, 2017 16:01:42 GMT
A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack.
The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.
"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door.
"I cut the tree down," said the man.
The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed and answered back, "Sure, that's what they call it NOW!"
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Post by rondetto on Mar 9, 2017 16:45:16 GMT
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just plain lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
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Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2017 20:22:49 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Mar 10, 2017 10:04:39 GMT
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
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Post by rondetto on Mar 10, 2017 16:58:40 GMT
A very nasty sow attacks this lady this lady and the husband calls 999.
The operator asks, "Where are you at"?
The husband replies, "I'm on Eucolipstic Road."
The operator asks, "Can you spell that for me?"
"Well...Hmmmm... I'll just drag her over to Oak drive so you can you pick her up there?"
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Post by althea on Mar 10, 2017 16:59:57 GMT
I was wondering - if a man repeats everything a woman says, word for word...is he still wrong?
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Post by rondetto on Mar 10, 2017 17:24:17 GMT
Very likely....yes.
Some very holy gentlemen -- a cardinal, a couple of bishops and some others -- were waiting outside the Pearly Gates for St. Peter to open up.
He finally arrived, but just they were about to enter heaven St. Peter asked them to wait a moment and let a new arrival through first.
A sweet young thing in a mini-skirt arrived and was ushered through.The cardinal was a bit upset about this and demanded an explanation from St. Peter.
After all, they had been waiting outside for quite some time and were pillars of the church. How could a girl in a mini-skirt deserve better treatment?
St. Peter smiled and told him: "While she was alive, that young lady drove a little yellow sports car. She regularly jumped red lights, overtook on blind corners, and generally scared the devil out of more people than all of you combined."
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Post by aubrey on Mar 10, 2017 20:07:15 GMT
I was wondering - if a man repeats everything a woman says, word for word...is he still wrong? Well, yes - context. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 10, 2017 20:21:09 GMT
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Post by ARENA on Mar 11, 2017 8:58:14 GMT
I was wondering - if a man repeats everything a woman says, word for word...is he still wrong? I have a t shirt,I bought on a visit to Canada ,it reads: If a man speaks in a forest,where no woman can here him, is he still wrong? |
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Post by rondetto on Mar 11, 2017 10:12:38 GMT
Secretary: "I think you're wanted on the phone, sir."
Boss: "What do you mean "you think?"
Secretary: "Well, I answered it and a voice said, "Is that you, you old fool?"
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Post by rondetto on Mar 11, 2017 14:51:45 GMT
A man went to visit his doctor. "Doctor, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" The man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the mans sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello, Doctor;" says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty pounds please? I'm desperate!"
"Aha!" says the doctor. "I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"
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