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Post by rondetto on Mar 1, 2017 14:17:13 GMT
One Sunday morning, the vicar noticed little Johnny standing in the foyer of the church, looking at a large plaque that hung there. After the young man of seven had stood there for some time, the vicar walked up beside him and said quietly,
"Good morning, son."
"Good morning, vicar," replied the youngster, not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Can I ask you, Sir, what is this for? Why are all these names listed on here?"
"Well, son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the vicar. Soberly, they stood together, staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, Sir, the morning service or the evening one."
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Post by rondetto on Mar 2, 2017 12:33:06 GMT
"What kind of work are you doing now?" "I'm a debt collector." "That's not a really pleasant job is it?" "It's not too bad. You see, people are always asking me to call again."
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Post by rondetto on Mar 2, 2017 15:38:17 GMT
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary."
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Post by rondetto on Mar 3, 2017 11:59:59 GMT
John's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying :
"John seems to be a very bright boy,
but spends too much of his time thinking about and talking to the girls. "
The mother wrote back the next day :
" If you find a solution, please advise.
I have the same problem with his father ! "
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Post by rondetto on Mar 3, 2017 15:34:41 GMT
Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.
"Well, Mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a bridge and all the people walked across safely.
"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
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Post by rondetto on Mar 3, 2017 19:01:08 GMT
A boy is writing an essay on childbirth and asks his parents, How was I born?
His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."
"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"
"Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."
The boy begins his essay, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
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Post by rondetto on Mar 4, 2017 12:31:43 GMT
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"
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Post by althea on Mar 5, 2017 11:02:06 GMT
I am here now with my mate Alan and without revealing too much I have to say that he really hasn’t taken to being in jail very well.
It is very hard for me and his wife and his two kids, Katie and William, to see him like this. He won’t eat, he screams and shouts and even threw a chair at me .
It is heart wrenching to see my friend like this and, quite honestly, I am giving serious consideration to never playing Monopoly with him ever again.
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Post by rondetto on Mar 5, 2017 11:04:35 GMT
A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. She recognized him as an old flame.
"Honey," she said to her husband, as she pointed out the man, "that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"
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Post by rondetto on Mar 5, 2017 12:51:46 GMT
"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a £10 note."
"Go and buy something then, the change will do you good."
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Post by rondetto on Mar 5, 2017 13:03:06 GMT
A blonde guy was sitting in a bar when he spots a very pretty young woman. He advances towards her when the bartender says to him, "Don't waste your time on that one. She's a lesbian."
The blonde goes over to her anyway and says, "So which part of Lesbia are you from?"
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Post by althea on Mar 5, 2017 17:35:10 GMT
I went to the doctor with a hearing problem. He said "can you describe the symptoms"? I said ,"Homer's a fat bloke and Marg has blue hair."
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Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2017 1:42:02 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Mar 6, 2017 10:27:31 GMT
Nervous mountain climber to his guide: "This rock face we're climbing looks very dangerous. Do people often fall off it?"
Guide: "No, once is generally all it takes."
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Post by rondetto on Mar 6, 2017 11:49:36 GMT
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, !Ah, yes, that's Mozarts Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and its backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realisation of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. Its just Mozart decomposing."
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