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Post by rondetto on Feb 26, 2017 11:55:07 GMT
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an
apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she
looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So,
the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old
man.
She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you
done that and what are you praying for?" The old man
replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In
the morning I pray for world peace and then for the
brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come
back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from
the earth."
The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come
here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she
asks.
The old man looks at her sadly. "To be honest it feels like I'm talking to a bloody brick wall."
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Post by rondetto on Feb 26, 2017 13:49:48 GMT
Dave: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.
Mary: Are you wearing it now?
Dave: Yes. Cost me four thousand pounds, but it's top of the line.
Mary: Wow! What kind is it?
Dave: It's quarter to one.
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Post by rondetto on Feb 26, 2017 15:12:10 GMT
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as the police catch him."
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Post by rondetto on Feb 26, 2017 18:22:11 GMT
Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they came to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her." A little later on, they saw horses. The Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."
That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'd rather have a jam butty for dinner."
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Post by rondetto on Feb 27, 2017 12:49:35 GMT
A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he'll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to the game.
That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.
At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, 'OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?'
Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, 'The one in the middle.'
The young man is astounded. 'How in the world did you figure it out?'
'Easy,' she says. 'That's the one I didn't like.'
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Post by rondetto on Feb 27, 2017 15:57:01 GMT
Two Hindu swamis were in conversation.
One said to the other, "How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation'?"
His companion replied, "It kept me up all night."
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Post by althea on Feb 27, 2017 16:34:27 GMT
To the person who stole my shoes whilst I was on the bouncy castle - grow up!
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Post by rondetto on Feb 27, 2017 17:20:06 GMT
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an induction.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Hey Look! He's moving!"
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Post by rondetto on Feb 27, 2017 18:31:55 GMT
My friend just got back from a trip to Switzerland. I asked him what he thought about the scenery.
He said, “Oh, I couldn't see much, there were too many mountains in the way."
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Post by rondetto on Feb 27, 2017 18:36:25 GMT
A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty, would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."
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Post by anybody on Feb 28, 2017 9:49:09 GMT
Q: What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A: A slow swimmer.
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Post by rondetto on Feb 28, 2017 10:38:25 GMT
The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school.
"Hello, this is Derby secondary," answers the principal.
"Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week,"
replies the voice.
"Well, what seems to be the problem with him?"
"We are all going on a family holiday," says the voice. "I hope
it is alright."
"I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who
is speaking?"
"Sure. This is my father!"
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Post by rondetto on Feb 28, 2017 13:35:55 GMT
"What did you get for your birthday?" "A set of drums -- it's the best present I ever got!"
"Why?"
"My Dad pays me twenty quid a week not to play them."
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Post by rondetto on Feb 28, 2017 16:17:16 GMT
Three elderly ladies were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.
"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'She was successful in business,'" declared the first lady.
"Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'She was a loyal mother to her children.'"
Turning to the third one, they asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?"
"Me?" the third one replied. "I want them to say, 'Wow!! Doesn't she look good for her age.'"
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Post by althea on Mar 1, 2017 12:22:40 GMT
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
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