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Post by rondetto on Feb 21, 2017 16:11:16 GMT
Ha ha!!
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.
She was so proud of her little angels for making her a breakfast.
But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.
"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."
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Post by rondetto on Feb 21, 2017 16:42:09 GMT
Two guys are drinking together at a bar and go into the toilet. Standing at the urinal, Bill notices that his pal is very well endowed.
"Wasn't always that way," the pal says. "It's a transplant. I had it done over on Harley Street. It cost a thousand quid, but as you can see, it's well worth every penny."
So Bill visits the doctor on Harley Street that day. Six months later, the two guys meet up again at the bar. Bill explains, "I took your advice, but you were robbed. I got mine for £500, not a thousand."
They go back to the toilet to compare. "No wonder," his buddy says, "That's my old one!"
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Post by rondetto on Feb 22, 2017 10:39:47 GMT
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; ...she's dead."
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Post by rondetto on Feb 22, 2017 12:53:02 GMT
A retired man moves near a junior high school. He spends the first few weeks of retirement in peace and quiet. However, when a new school year begins, three young boys beat on every trash can they encounter every day on their way home from school.
Finally, the man decides to take action and walks out to meet the boys. He says, You kids are a lot of fun. Ill give you each a pound if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing. The kids continue to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the man tells the kids, This recessions really putting a big dent in my income. From now on, Ill only be able to pay you 50 pence to beat on the cans. The noisemakers are displeased, but they accept his offer.
A few days later, the retiree approaches them again. Look, he says, I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to pay more than 25 pence. Will that be OK?"
"Twenty five pence?" the drum leader exclaims. "If you think were going to waste our time beating these cans around for a that, you're nuts. We quit."
You can't beat thew wisdom of the elderly eh?
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Post by rondetto on Feb 23, 2017 10:46:12 GMT
Q: What did the blonde do when her tooth fell out?
A: She tried to glue it back in with toothpaste.
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Post by rondetto on Feb 23, 2017 11:44:42 GMT
A guy walks into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in one nostril.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
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Post by rondetto on Feb 23, 2017 12:42:20 GMT
My advice if you are ever in this situation:
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a drop-off and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
(Answer below)
Answer:
Get off the children's merry-go-round, you're drunk.
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Post by rondetto on Feb 23, 2017 15:45:54 GMT
Summer holidays was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in a place in Wales called
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Johnny thought for a few seconds and said, "Actually, we went to Rhyl."
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Post by rondetto on Feb 23, 2017 18:17:07 GMT
A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while people waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first person to make a confession here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss' wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister-in-law. I was appalled! But as the days went on, I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had indeed come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived, full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation, giving his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him for confession!"
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Post by rondetto on Feb 24, 2017 15:16:21 GMT
My kids love going on the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
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Post by rondetto on Feb 24, 2017 16:14:00 GMT
An Irish man buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Dublin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number. The man says, I want my £20 million. To which the man replied, No sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.
The Irish man said, "I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it." Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The man, furious with the Lottery official, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my £20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY TWO POUND STAKE BACK!"
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Post by rondetto on Feb 24, 2017 16:57:09 GMT
During a performance for the high school talent show at the local theatre, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to just avoid the hole until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.
He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theatre shouted:
"Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!"
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Post by rondetto on Feb 25, 2017 11:58:23 GMT
An elderly woman went into the doctor`s office. When the
doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I`d like to
have some birth-control pills."
Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said,
"Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you`re 72 years old. What
possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the
world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "Simple, I put them in my granddaughter`s
orange juice every morning and believe me, I do sleep better at night."
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Post by rondetto on Feb 25, 2017 15:17:05 GMT
Census Taker: 'How many children do you have?'
Woman: 'Four.'
Census Taker: 'May I have their names, please?'
Woman: 'Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.'
Census Taker: 'Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?'
Woman: 'Because we didn't want any Moe.'
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Post by aubrey on Feb 25, 2017 19:56:16 GMT
When birds go to a Dance, where do they leave their sexual and excretory organs?
In the Cloaca room.
(Richard Herring)
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