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Post by rondetto on Feb 19, 2017 16:35:54 GMT
It's a real nasty day, and a guy gets pulled over for speeding.
The cop says, "Isn't it kind of crazy to be driving so fast in this storm?"
The driver says, "Who's crazy? You're the one who's standing out in the rain."
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Post by rondetto on Feb 20, 2017 10:38:15 GMT
The first-grade teacher was showing pictures of animals to her students to see how many they could name. She held up a picture of a lamb, and a little girl said, "That's a sheep!"
"That's right!" said the teacher. "How about THIS one?" she said, holding up a picture of the king of beasts.
"That's a lion!" answered a little boy.
"Right!" said the teacher. Then she held up a picture of a deer. No one volunteered an answer. She tried to help. "What does your mother call your father?"
Johnny said, "I know! That's a lazy old goat!"
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Post by rondetto on Feb 20, 2017 11:25:27 GMT
Jim strolls into the paint section of a Homebase and walks up to the assistant. "I'd like a pint of canary-coloured paint," he says.
"Certainly," says the clerk. "Mind if I ask why you need it?"
"My parakeet," says Jim. "See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to win."
"Well, you can't do that!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!"
"No, they won't," Jim replies.
"Listen, Buddy, I'll bet you ten quid your parakeet dies if you try to paint him."
"You're on!" says Jim.
Two days later Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts ten pounds on the counter in front of the clerk.
"So the paint killed your bird?"
"Not really," Jim says. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."
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Post by rondetto on Feb 20, 2017 13:57:06 GMT
A blonde walks into the police station looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:
Officer: What's 2 + 2?
Blonde: Ummm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
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Post by marispiper on Feb 20, 2017 15:58:22 GMT
It's a fact:
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? That took some super concentration Ron, not to mention keyboard skill! |
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Post by rondetto on Feb 20, 2017 16:01:27 GMT
Funny how true it is though. I suppose we do just read first and last letters when you stop to think.
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Post by rondetto on Feb 20, 2017 16:08:13 GMT
There was a religious woman who had to do a lot of travelling for her business. Flying made her very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The woman replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The woman said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the woman.
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Post by marispiper on Feb 20, 2017 17:25:13 GMT
A man in his 60s visited the doctor. He said "Me and the wife were thinking, we fancy having another baby"
The doctor, keeping his composure, said "well,that would have to be via IVF of course. The first thing we would need is a sperm sample from you" and the doctor placed a little sample jar on the desk saying "fill that and we'll take it from there"
A few days later, the man returned to the doctor who asked "well, have you got the sperm sample?"
The man replied, No!!
I tried with my right hand - nothing.
I tried with my left hand - still no good.
So I called the wife and asked her to help me. She tried both hands...she even tried her mouth...but do you know, no matter what we did, we just couldn't get the lid off that jar"
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Post by rondetto on Feb 20, 2017 17:38:14 GMT
A Rabbi who's been leading a congregation for many years is upset by the fact that he's never been able to eat pork. So he devises a plan whereby he flies to a remote tropical island and checks into a hotel.
He immediately gets himself a table at the finest restaurant and orders the most expensive pork dish on the menu. As he's eagerly waiting for it to be served, he hears his name called from across the restaurant.
He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants approaching. His luck, they'd chosen the same time to visit the same remote location!
Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a huge silver tray carrying a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. The Rabbi looks up sheepishly at his congregants and thinking quickly says, "Wow - you order an apple in this place and look how they serve it!"
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Post by althea on Feb 20, 2017 20:50:07 GMT
I refused to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job in road maintenance...
but when I got home all the signs were there.
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Post by rondetto on Feb 21, 2017 6:54:03 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Feb 21, 2017 10:39:43 GMT
One day a man called the church office and said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"
The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?
The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"
She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!"
To this, the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving £100,000 to the church building fund . . ."
To this, the secretary quickly responded, "Hang on, I think the big fat pig just walked in!"
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Post by rondetto on Feb 21, 2017 11:31:28 GMT
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!"
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Post by althea on Feb 21, 2017 13:16:05 GMT
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2017 14:53:33 GMT
A man went to the doctor with his wife as he was a bit hard of hearing.
The doctor said 'Mr Smith, I would like a stool sample and a urine sample'
'What did he say dear?' said the man.
She sighed and said 'Just give him your underpants'
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