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Post by goldelox on Feb 16, 2017 10:36:56 GMT
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Post by marispiper on Feb 16, 2017 11:02:25 GMT
Good-o đ (edit, to JJ)
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2017 11:34:39 GMT
An Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman were all working on a building site. They were great friends and had worked together all their lives.
The Englishman opened his sandwiches and said âBloody ham again, it is always bloody ham she makes me. If I get ham one more time I will jump off the scaffolding and top myselfâ
The Irishman opened his sandwiches and said âBloody cheese again, I hate cheese. If I get cheese ever again I will jump off the scaffolding and top myselfâ
The Scotsman opened his sandwiches and said âBloody bacon again. If I get bacon just one more time I will join you two and jump off and kill myselfâ
The following day they opened their sandwiches, and sure enough it was ham cheese and bacon. So they scribbled little notes and all dived off the scaffolding.
Since they were such good mates it was decided they should have a joint funeral.
And afterwards the Englishmanâs wife said âIf Arthur had only told me he did not like ham I would have made him something elseâ.
The Scotsmanâs wife said âIf Jock had told me how much he hated bacon I would have made him something elseâ
The Irishmanâs wife said. âI simply donât understand, Paddy always made his own sandwichesâ
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Post by rondetto on Feb 16, 2017 12:31:40 GMT
The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.
The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.
The principal replies that he knows little Johnny, as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, and if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.
Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the Regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.
After listening, he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the bloody wall!"
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Post by rondetto on Feb 16, 2017 14:57:26 GMT
Some crazy newspaper adverts:
Washer. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed -- ÂŁ100.
Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.
Cows, calves never bred. Also, one gay bull for sale.
Free puppies: part Cocker Spaniel, part sneaky neighbours dog
Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out for a while. Better be reward.
Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once. Slightly stained.
Free Yorkshire Terrier. Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.
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Post by rondetto on Feb 16, 2017 16:59:23 GMT
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising in the gym.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over. 
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Post by rondetto on Feb 17, 2017 11:38:55 GMT
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a roulette table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand pounds on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, I need new clothes!" Then she shouted... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!"
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Post by rondetto on Feb 17, 2017 11:43:00 GMT
An Irishman was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.
Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"
The doctor explained, "This is an anaesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."
"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He doesn't know a thing now."
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Post by rondetto on Feb 17, 2017 11:50:38 GMT
A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car. "235,000 miles."
Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blonde's friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted.
So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 25,000. Two days later the blonde's friend asked her if she had sold the car since her brother dropped the miles.
The blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car when there are only 25,000 miles on the clock?"
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Post by rondetto on Feb 17, 2017 12:47:17 GMT
Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.
"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"
"No, Madam," replied the attendant. "That what you are looking at is called a mirror."
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Post by rondetto on Feb 17, 2017 14:21:15 GMT
A man went to his lawyer and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."
The lawyer says "No problem, leave it all to me".
The man looks somewhat upset ... "Well I knew you were going to charge a lot, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!"
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Post by rondetto on Feb 17, 2017 14:44:22 GMT
 A husband says to his to friend: "My wife wasn't happy with the bag and belt I gave her for her birthday."
"But at least the vacuum cleaner works better."
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Post by rondetto on Feb 18, 2017 10:41:54 GMT
Finding one of her students making faces at
others on the playground, Miss. Smith stopped to
gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher
said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told
if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and
I would stay like that."
Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Miss Smith,
you can't say you weren't warned."
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Post by rondetto on Feb 19, 2017 11:31:06 GMT
It's a fact:
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
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Post by rondetto on Feb 19, 2017 13:33:58 GMT
A couple met on Corfu and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue their relationship after their holidays were over.
"It's only fair to warn you, Linda," the man said. "I'm a golf nut. I live...eat...sleep...and breathe golf."
"Well,..." the girl said, "Since you're being honest, so will I. You see, I'm a hooker."
"I see," he said pensively. Then, he smiled and said..."It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you strike the ball."
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A husband says to his to friend: "My wife wasn't happy with the bag and belt I gave her for her birthday."