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Post by rondetto on Feb 13, 2017 16:38:39 GMT
I like that.  |
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Post by rondetto on Feb 13, 2017 16:45:13 GMT
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around and around. Just because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid.
So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year - namely, that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves... There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up.
I have not heard anything back.
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Post by aubrey on Feb 13, 2017 21:18:18 GMT
Who killed Kenny? Late one night at the insane asylum, an inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another inmate asked, "How do you know?"
"God told me!"
A voice from another room suddenly shouted, "No I did not!"He caught a "social disease" from his girlfriend (as Cartman said he would, because - as everyone knows - girls' mouths are full of germs). |
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Post by rondetto on Feb 14, 2017 10:06:09 GMT
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Post by althea on Feb 14, 2017 11:20:05 GMT
I tried signing up for a website the other day and put in my password "beef stew". But it said the password wasn't stroganoff.
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Post by rondetto on Feb 14, 2017 13:03:21 GMT
"Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked men are climbing towards my bedroom window!"
"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."
"No, it's YOU I want, hurry up." she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"
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Post by rondetto on Feb 14, 2017 16:26:23 GMT
A little boy walks up to the preacher after church one day and says, "Preacher, when I grow up and get a job, I am going to give you a lot of money."
The preacher says, "Why do you want to do that?"
The boy replies, " Because my Daddy said that you are the poorest preacher he has ever heard."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2017 16:36:22 GMT
A man went for a job interview and some way into the interview he had decided he did not want the job, but thought he would ride it out. The interviewer then asked him the 'psychological' question which he had been expecting.
'If you could be any animal what would you be?'
'I think I would be a dog' said the man.
'Really, and why is that?' said the interviewer.
'Well' said the man, 'they are honest, and loyal and work very hard when properly trained'
The interviewer beamed and said 'Anything else?'
'Why yes' said the man 'And they can lick their own testicles'
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Post by rondetto on Feb 14, 2017 17:53:20 GMT
I tried that....I was off work for a month. |
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Post by rondetto on Feb 15, 2017 10:16:03 GMT
The vicar was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven!" they all piped up.
"And what do you have to do to get there?"
They said, "You have to be Be dead!"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2017 16:22:00 GMT
A Viking was heading off for a bit of rape and pillage with his mates. His wife, who was blind said goodbye to him and said ‘Igor, when you get to England do you think you could bring me a kitchen sink? I heard they have much better ones in England and it will be useful for bathing the baby, washing the blood off your uniform, all sorts’
‘Sorted’ he said in his best possible Scandinavian.
So off they set, and rowed across the North sea, strips of bacon round their necks, all the paraphernalia. And when they arrived they did the usual, bit of rape, bit of pillage, burnt the odd village and collected a few slaves.
They were going back to the boat when he said to himself, in his best possible Scandinavian ‘Bugger, I forgot the sink’. But he was passing a building site, and thought that although he was in a hurry because the tide was nearly in he would see what he could find. And he found of all things a builders hod. ‘Great’ he thought’ that will do, it will hold water, I will chop the handle off with my battle axe and she will never know the difference’
So they rowed back across the north sea and when the landed he gave his wife the builders hod.
‘Wow Igor’ she said (in her best Scandinavian) ‘That is fantastic, you are definitely on a promise for that’
Now do you know what that goes to prove?
Yep,
A hod is as good as a sink to a blind Norse!
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Post by althea on Feb 15, 2017 17:39:17 GMT
A Viking was heading off for a bit of rape and pillage with his mates. His wife, who was blind said goodbye to him and said ‘Igor, when you get to England do you think you could bring me a kitchen sink? I heard they have much better ones in England and it will be useful for bathing the baby, washing the blood off your uniform, all sorts’ ‘Sorted’ he said in his best possible Scandinavian. So off they set, and rowed across the North sea, strips of bacon round their necks, all the paraphernalia. And when they arrived they did the usual, bit of rape, bit of pillage, burnt the odd village and collected a few slaves. They were going back to the boat when he said to himself, in his best possible Scandinavian ‘Bugger, I forgot the sink’. But he was passing a building site, and thought that although he was in a hurry because the tide was nearly in he would see what he could find. And he found of all things a builders hod. ‘Great’ he thought’ that will do, it will hold water, I will chop the handle off with my battle axe and she will never know the difference’ So they rowed back across the north sea and when the landed he gave his wife the builders hod. ‘Wow Igor’ she said (in her best Scandinavian) ‘That is fantastic, you are definitely on a promise for that’ Now do you know what that goes to prove? Yep, A hod is as good as a sink to a blind Norse! Kindly leave the stage................... |
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Post by ARENA on Feb 16, 2017 9:06:25 GMT
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Post by marispiper on Feb 16, 2017 9:48:13 GMT
I just love all these with a groan at the end folks 😁😁😁😁
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2017 10:04:57 GMT
I just love all these with a groan at the end folks 😁😁😁😁 I have a few tucked away in the memory bank and might drag one or two out as and when.... |
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