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Post by rondetto on Feb 10, 2017 18:18:54 GMT
HEADLINE IN A NEWSPAPER;
Today's psychic conference is cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
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Post by aubrey on Feb 10, 2017 18:37:07 GMT
HEADLINE IN A NEWSPAPER;
Today's psychic conference is cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances. I once threw up over a comment someone at a party made about a Narcoleptic Society's meeting having having 4 minute takers, just from laughing too much - every time I stopped I'd think about it and start up again, until I threw up (it didn't take much in those days). |
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Post by rondetto on Feb 10, 2017 19:03:09 GMT
Sounds like a very riveting meeting anyway.  |
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Post by rondetto on Feb 11, 2017 11:44:32 GMT
A cop saw a young blonde woman down on her knees under a street lamp. "Can I help you?" he asked.
Replied the woman, "I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it."
Asked the cop "did you drop it right here?"
"No," responded the blonde, "I dropped it about two streets away, but the light's better here."
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Post by althea on Feb 11, 2017 14:18:56 GMT
Was under attack from words beginning with the letter 't'
.....managed to avoid 'this' 'there' and 'then' but I didn't see 'that' coming
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Post by rondetto on Feb 11, 2017 18:11:23 GMT
What we are good at:
WOMEN
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.
Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
Women come in all sizes, in all colours and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.
MEN
Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.
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Post by rondetto on Feb 12, 2017 12:37:06 GMT
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 20 to 1!"
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Post by rondetto on Feb 12, 2017 14:11:47 GMT
Poundstretchers and Marks & Spencer are to amalgamate to beat the credit crunch. They will be known as Stretchmarks!
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Post by rondetto on Feb 12, 2017 19:30:45 GMT
This woman is about to board a bus, but when she steps up, she realizes that her skirt is too tight, and she can't lift her leg to board. So, she reaches around behind her and lowers her zipper a bit and tries again.
Skirt's still too tight, so she reaches behind her and lowers her zipper some more, and tries again. She still can't get on, so she reaches back and lowers the zipper a bit more. She tries to step up, and feels two hands on her bottom pushing her up onto the bus. She spins around and says, "Sir, I don't know you well enough for you to do that!"
He says, "Lady, I sure don't know you well enough for you to lower my zipper three times either."
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Post by aubrey on Feb 12, 2017 19:52:38 GMT
I think I'm going to have to get my Legman out.  (Series 1)   Gershon Legman (November 2, 1917 – February 23, 1999) was an American cultural critic and folklorist. |
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Post by rondetto on Feb 13, 2017 10:07:59 GMT
A paperboy said to a customer one day, "Mr. Smith, I wish I had twenty customers like you."
"Gosh, that's nice to hear," said Smith, "but I'm kind of surprised considering I never tip you that well and always pay late."
The paperboy said, "I know, but I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is I have one hundred and forty just like you."
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Post by aubrey on Feb 13, 2017 10:59:48 GMT
Legman, #1*
Little Johnny Jones, aged 7, is in love with Mary Smith, the little girl next door, and comes to confide to his father that they plan to get married. Mr Jones is amused. "What do you plan to do for money? " he asks with pretended gravity. "I have my allowance, and Mary has a dollar in her piggy-bank. "that's all right for now," his father says, "but what will you do when the children come?" "Well, we've had pretty good luck so far."
*Not counting those in mentioned in the introduction.
(This joke fits very well with the episode of South Park I watched last night.)
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Post by rondetto on Feb 13, 2017 13:12:12 GMT
Who killed Kenny?
Late one night at the insane asylum, an inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another inmate asked, "How do you know?"
"God told me!"
A voice from another room suddenly shouted, "No I did not!"
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Post by althea on Feb 13, 2017 16:26:07 GMT
Where did Humpty Dumpty put his hat?
Humpty dumped his hat on a wall
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Feb 13, 2017 16:34:03 GMT
I will clean this one up!
The wife of a very rich man was wondering what to buy him for his birthday. He had the Lamborghini, and the power boat and anything that money could buy. So after a bit of thought she decided to buy him a camel.
The morning of his birthday there it was tethered on the lawn, with a stable al ready and plenty of food.
He was dead chuffed so thought he would take it into town, so donned his riding gear and set off. When he got to town he thought he would go and buy a few things at the supermarket, so tied the camel up outside and went in.
But when he came out, no camel. So he rang the police and reported it missing. The police arrived and he explained what had happened.
'I see sir, and can you describe this camel? said the policeman trying not to laugh.
'Well, it's just a bloody camel, light brown, with a hump and a leg at each corner'
'Any distinguishing features sir?
'Well the last time I saw it it was wearing a saddle, but there can't be that many around, so if you see one with or without a bloody saddle the chances are it's mine' said the man getting more and more irritated.
'I see sir' said the policeman quite laconically 'Can you tell me, was it a male camel or a female camel sir?'
'Now there I can help you' said the man. 'It was male, definitely male and quite well endowed because as I went though town I heard a lot of people saying 'have you seen that prick on that camel''
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