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Post by rondetto on Feb 8, 2017 13:12:51 GMT
Police arrested two men, one for drinking battery acid, the other for eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
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Post by rondetto on Feb 8, 2017 15:29:34 GMT
An old country farmer with serious financial problems bought a mule from another old farmer for £100, who agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
However, the next day he drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news: The mule died."
"Well, then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the mule."
"What ya gonna do with a dead mule?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
"Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the two met up and the farmer who sold the mule asked, "Whatever happened with that dead mule?"
"I raffled him off just like I said I would. I sold 500 tickets at £2 a piece and made a profit of £898."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the bloke who won. So I gave him his two quid back."
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Post by althea on Feb 8, 2017 18:48:15 GMT
Doctor: I'm sorry to tell you but I think you are schizophrenic
Patient: Doc I think you're talking to the wrong guy.
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Post by althea on Feb 8, 2017 18:50:31 GMT
Unfortunate term- 'pop-up brothels' on increase in Swindon
5 February 2017 Last updated at 10:37 GMT
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Post by althea on Feb 8, 2017 18:52:41 GMT
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little broom!' 'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.  Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to hurt!!!!!! 'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER! Maybe she'd been sweeping around. |
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Post by marispiper on Feb 8, 2017 21:46:56 GMT
^^^^big ouch 😄
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Post by rondetto on Feb 9, 2017 11:41:34 GMT
It was bowing a gale in Cardiff. A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a supermarket. Her basket was filled with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious that she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for yet another price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked, indignantly, "Well, at this rate, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worry, Ma'am," replied the clerk. "With all that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have in your basket, you'll be home in no time."
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2017 14:38:30 GMT
I know what he meant. I always said if I bought my partner a broom she might learn how to fly it but would never get the hang of parking it!
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Post by rondetto on Feb 9, 2017 15:41:03 GMT
 A Sunday school class studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off your neighbour's wife."
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Post by rondetto on Feb 9, 2017 16:04:37 GMT
Pearls of wisdom...
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
I am in shape. Round is a shape. isn't it?
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just stand there.
Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every yea
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
I don't get even, I get odder.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever! So far, so good!
Not afraid of heights -- afraid of widths.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually, you find a hair stylist you like.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes, age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing!!
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Post by rondetto on Feb 9, 2017 19:14:01 GMT
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
I said, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled and nodded knowingly, 'That's why we ask.'
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.
She responded, appalled, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?'
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'It's open!'
'I know,' answered the young man. 'I already got that side.'
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Post by rondetto on Feb 10, 2017 15:01:59 GMT
Did you hear about the scientist who fitted a new type of door knocker?
He was trying to win the No-Bell prize.
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Post by aubrey on Feb 10, 2017 16:24:18 GMT
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Post by althea on Feb 10, 2017 16:44:13 GMT
So, I go shopping. The cashier says to me "strip down facing me" and I do as he says. When the hysteria subsided, I found out he meant how to use the credit card reader..........
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Post by althea on Feb 10, 2017 16:44:41 GMT
Dirty Derek, our local flasher, was thinking about retiring. Then he decided to stick it out for another year.
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