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Post by rondetto on Feb 6, 2017 10:18:16 GMT
A teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A girl raised her hand and asked, "To withdraw all his money from his savings account?"
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Post by rondetto on Feb 6, 2017 11:44:39 GMT
Agony aunts:
Dear Abby:
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby:
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?
Dear Abby:
My forty-year-old son has been paying a pyschiatrist £50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby:
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.
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Post by rondetto on Feb 6, 2017 16:06:53 GMT
A woman was trying hard to get the tomato ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle, the phone rang, so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer it.
"It's the Vicar, Mummy," the child said to her mother.
Then she said to him, "Mummy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
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Post by althea on Feb 6, 2017 16:27:53 GMT
If I've learned anything,in my 23 years on this Earth,it's that it's OK to lie about your age.
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Post by althea on Feb 6, 2017 16:29:03 GMT
Can I borrow your dictaphone?
No, try using your finger like everyone else.
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Post by althea on Feb 6, 2017 16:43:00 GMT
Subject: Praise the Lord
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, 'I have a praise.'
'Yes,Mrs. Kisselman ?' the pastor prompted.
'Two months ago,' she began in a firm, clear voice as she turned to the packed house, 'my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'
Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She went on, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and, the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.
The lady made a slight bow of thanks and headed back for her pew as all the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, 'I'm Jim. I just wanted to tell my wife, once again, that the word is "sternum
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Post by marispiper on Feb 7, 2017 9:14:49 GMT
I just love that A. ^^^ 😂😂😂
And just reread your 'mantra' ....😄
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Post by rondetto on Feb 7, 2017 11:59:22 GMT
A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific."
The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!" He then realises that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.
"Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?"
"Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."
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Post by rondetto on Feb 7, 2017 12:00:34 GMT
I'm such a loser. I went into my bank the other day and asked the cashier to check my balance. She pushed me off my feet.
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Post by rondetto on Feb 7, 2017 12:01:35 GMT
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2017 12:11:34 GMT
A man was in a bar when an attractive girl went to the bar beside him.
'Can I buy you a drink?' he said.
'Eff off' she replied.
'Well there is no need to be like that, I was only being polite and asking' he said
'Yeah maybe' she said 'but I am a lesbian'
'What do you mean?' he said 'What is a lesbian?'
'Well you see that little blonde over there?' she said 'Well I would like to strip her naked and lick her all over'
The man looked and paused and then said 'You know, I think I might be a lesbian as well'
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Post by rondetto on Feb 7, 2017 16:21:50 GMT
Ancient Chinese Proverbs
Man who run behind car get exhausted
Man with one chopstick go hungry
Man who scratches backside should not bite fingernails
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse
Man who fight with wife all day get no peace at night
Man who drive like hell bound to get there quickly
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement
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Post by rondetto on Feb 7, 2017 18:35:50 GMT
When I was married, my wife used to call me handsome. As a matter of fact, we are now divorced but she STILL calls me handsome.
Every time I get paid, she says, HANDSOME OVER.
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Post by rondetto on Feb 7, 2017 18:43:04 GMT
One day at Sunday school, the teacher was asking the kids
where Jesus lives. The teacher picked on one of the kids.
"Jesus lives in my heart."
"Very good." said the teacher.
She picks on another kid who replies, "Jesus lives in
Heaven."
Very good said the teacher.
Little Johnny is in the back just waving his hand to be
called on. The teacher didn't want to call on little Johnny
but finally did.
"Jesus lives in the bathroom."
After a moment, the teacher asked why he lived in the
bathroom.
"Every morning when my dad gets up he bangs on the bathroom
door and asks Jesus Christ are you still in there?"
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Post by rondetto on Feb 8, 2017 10:33:41 GMT
It's strange that you can go to a library and scream "Aaaaiiiieee!" and everyone just stares at you.
But when you do the same thing on an airplane, everyone joins in.
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