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Post by althea on Feb 2, 2017 16:51:34 GMT
The inventor of the cough pastille has died. It has been announced that there will be no coffin at his funeral.
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Post by rondetto on Feb 2, 2017 17:48:42 GMT
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.
"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"
"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.
"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"
"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."
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Post by rondetto on Feb 3, 2017 11:17:48 GMT
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "We have a caterer coming to provide plenty of sandwiches and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
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Post by rondetto on Feb 3, 2017 12:37:18 GMT
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says... "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you' re about my age.
How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really!? Like a new-born baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
"
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Post by rondetto on Feb 3, 2017 16:07:23 GMT
Jim was startled to see the nonchalant way Jon was taking the fact that his lady love was seen with another man.
"You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't flatten the guy?"
"I'm waiting," Jon said.
"Waiting for what?" asked Jim.
"Waiting to catch her with a much smaller man."
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Post by aubrey on Feb 3, 2017 16:12:15 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Feb 3, 2017 16:31:19 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Feb 4, 2017 12:36:52 GMT
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "£500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!"
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on toast made with brown bread. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five £500 down on it and says, "You got me that time mate, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of brown bread!"
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Post by rondetto on Feb 4, 2017 13:57:10 GMT
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor!Help I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
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Post by rondetto on Feb 4, 2017 16:05:04 GMT
A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work.
The dog is a brilliant piano player. He plays all the
standards. He's sitting there, pounding out the tunes,
when all of a sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him
out. The nightclub owner asks, “What happened?”
The manager says,
“That's his mother. She wanted him him to be a doctor.”
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Post by althea on Feb 4, 2017 17:19:24 GMT
I bought a deodorant stick. The instructions said 'pull off top and push up bottom.' It's not very comfortable but when I fart the room smells lovely
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Post by althea on Feb 4, 2017 17:20:04 GMT
I've just been admitted to hospital with poisoning. What I thought was an onion was in fact a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out some time in the Spring.
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Post by rondetto on Feb 4, 2017 17:24:29 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Feb 5, 2017 11:43:19 GMT
"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"
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Post by rondetto on Feb 5, 2017 19:44:40 GMT
A man walks into a bar and asks: "Can I have a pint of Less, please?"
"Sorry sir," the barman says, "what's that?"
"I've no idea," replies the man, "but I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."
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