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Post by rondetto on Jan 30, 2017 11:44:46 GMT
One day a lawyer was riding in his BMW when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".
The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can''t afford a thing to eat."
So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."
The guy then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along.
When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."
The layer said, "You''re going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 30, 2017 13:08:18 GMT
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability too."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 30, 2017 13:57:47 GMT
 A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. A Passersby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him.
He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had struggled so.
He said, a bit sheepishly, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of this huge, flashing sign. Turns out I was in a petrol station and somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 30, 2017 15:00:55 GMT
Two tons of human hair was stolen from a wig factory.
The police said they were combing the area.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 30, 2017 16:43:33 GMT
A hunchback comes home from work to see a wok on the table. He says to his wife, "Did you cook Chinese food tonight?"
She says, "No, I just finished ironing your shirts."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 30, 2017 18:16:10 GMT
Irish medical terms:
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Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Artery................The study of paintings.
Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat scan...............Searching for kitty.
Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.
Colic.................A sheep dog.
Coma..................A punctuation mark.
D & C.................Where Washington is.
Dilate................To live long.
Enema.................Not a friend.
Fester................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula................A small lie.
Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.
Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.
Labour Pain............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.
Node..................Was aware of
Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear..... .......A fatherhood test.
Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum................Darn near killed him.
Secretion.............Hiding something.
Seizure...............Roman emperor.
Tablet................A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus Station
Tumour.................More than one.
Urine.................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose..............Near by/close by.
Vein..................Conceited.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 30, 2017 19:01:48 GMT
A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.pm.
So she decided to be considerate and not rouse him this time. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom, only to find him sitting up in bed, reading.
"Oh No!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose EVERYTHING TONIGHT?"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 31, 2017 13:15:08 GMT
One woman says to another: "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband. Well, my husband is stupid, bone idle, and cheap, but have I ever said a bad word about him?"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 31, 2017 16:47:19 GMT
A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bathing."
The drunk muttered his response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 31, 2017 17:18:10 GMT
Blonde:"Would you please help me I bought a 10 pound turkey. Could you tell me how long to cook it in my new microwave?"
“Just a minute,” the food editor said, as he turned to check his reference book.
Blonde: "Oh, thank you,” she said. “You've been a big help. Good-bye!”
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Post by rondetto on Jan 31, 2017 18:35:26 GMT
Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.
"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art these days?"
"No, Madam," replied the attendant. "That is actually a mirror."
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Post by rondetto on Feb 1, 2017 10:55:11 GMT
A man moves into a new flat and invites a few of his friends around for a housewarming drink.
He's got lots of lovely furniture but then one of his friends sees an old hammer hanging on the wall and says, "What's that dirty old hammer doing there?" The man replies: "Oh, that's not a hammer, it's a talking clock. Look, I'll show you."
So he picks up the hammer and starts banging it against the wall, whereupon a voice comes from next door shouting: "Keep it down in there, it's almost half past ten!"
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Post by rondetto on Feb 1, 2017 13:10:58 GMT
A meeting of clerics was assembled. Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"
The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well.
About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"
His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"
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Post by rondetto on Feb 2, 2017 11:38:58 GMT
An elderly couple, Minnie and Max, sit down to their Thanksgiving dinner. Before eating, his wife speaks up. “Can I ask you a question, Max?”
“Sure Minnie,” Max says, waiting to dig into his meal.
“Has our 50 years of marriage made you grateful?”
“Yes, indeed!” Max replied. “For the previous twenty years that I was a bachelor!”
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Post by rondetto on Feb 2, 2017 16:01:45 GMT
At a British university, students in the psychology programme were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Chester, "what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Birmingham.
"Elation," she said.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Dublin, "what about the opposite of woe?"
The Irishman replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' ."
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A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. A Passersby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him.