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Post by rondetto on Jan 12, 2020 8:06:06 GMT
I had a catering job for British airways, serving Gregg's sausage rolls and pasties to travellers on trans Atlantic flight to the USA.
It wasn't much of a job then I realised it was just, pie in the sky.
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Post by honeybear on Jan 12, 2020 8:12:17 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Jan 12, 2020 16:02:47 GMT
I'd never bought from a charity shop until yesterday. I bought a jacket. Only problem is that one of the sleeves is too long and the other two sleeves are too short.
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Post by althea on Jan 12, 2020 16:52:21 GMT
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Post by althea on Jan 12, 2020 16:54:20 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Jan 13, 2020 9:53:08 GMT
For dinner tonight I'm going to have Chicken Tarka.
It's like Chicken Tikka, only a little otter.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 13, 2020 12:55:48 GMT
Two men lost in the desert, hours away from death, see a group of tents in the distance. Realising this may be their salvation, they stagger towards them.
Entering the first tent, one of them gasps at the Arab trader within: "water, water.."
The trader replies, "I'm sorry my friend, I've only got mixed fruit here, try next door."
So they enter the next tent, and the man gasps: "water, for the love of God."
The second trader replies, "I'm terribly sorry I've only got jelly. There might be water in the last tent, try there".
Reaching the last tent they crawl in. "Water, water" gasps the man. The trader, looking apologetic says, "I'm sorry I've only got custard here."
The men, now distraught, leave and stagger off into the desert. A little later, one man turns to the other and says, "Back there with those tents, that was a bit weird wasn't it."
The other bloke says, "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar to me."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 13, 2020 14:30:58 GMT
Johnny's teacher asked the class how their weekends were.
"Horrible," said Johnny. "A car hit my cat in his arse!"
"Rectum," said the teacher. "Say rectum."
"Rectum? It Damn near killed him!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 13, 2020 18:03:59 GMT
Ever since we bought a water bed, my wife and I have been drifting apart.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 14, 2020 12:40:10 GMT
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defence:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 14, 2020 16:20:51 GMT
Answer machine:
Hello, I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new canary. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of warning; never try to clean a bird cage with a vacuum cleaner.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 14, 2020 16:31:52 GMT
I will always remember the very words I said to my girlfriend on the day we got engaged: "Oh my God.....I thought you were on the pill."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 15, 2020 9:08:58 GMT
Sir Edgbert, knight of the realm, was hurrying home on a cold, dark, wet night when, suddenly, his horse suffered a major coronary and died on the spot. All Sir Edgbert could do was collect up what belongings he could and tramp onwards.
After staggering for a spell, he decides that he must get alternative transport. Accordingly, he heads for the nearest building which, as luck would have it, is a small farm. He strides up to the door, bangs on it and shouts 'A horse! A horse!. I must have a horse!".
The door opens to reveal a young girl. She looks at Sir Edgbert and says, "Your pardon, good night but my father and brothers are returning from the village on the other side of the forest and will not be back before noon tomorrow. They are riding all our horses".
Sir Edgbert is saddened by this and says "But I must return home immediately. Have you any idea where I may acquire alternative transportation?".
The young girl says "I know of no other horses hereabouts, but sometimes my brothers ride our Great Dane dog when the need arises. Would use of that help?"
Sir Edgbert is desperate and says "If I must, I must. Show me the animal". The young girl leads the way around to the back of the farmhouse to a stable. She disappears inside and returns leading an enormous dogs which is quite of a size for riding. Unfortunately, the dog has seen better days. It's coat is threadbare, its legs are spindly and it seems to be breathing labouriously.
Sir Edgbert looks at the young girl and says, "Surely, you wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this?"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 15, 2020 13:34:03 GMT
My wife said: "When I'm gone, you won't find another like me."
I said: "What makes you think I'd want another like you."
My wife said that we don't spend enough time together, so I had the football channel put on the tv in the kitchen.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 15, 2020 13:47:05 GMT
I noticed these adverts in the Liverpool echo
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing els
We build bodies that last a lifetime
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, £200 a month. References required.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Use Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
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