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Post by althea on Jan 6, 2020 17:08:54 GMT
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Post by althea on Jan 6, 2020 17:10:11 GMT
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Post by althea on Jan 6, 2020 17:43:24 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Jan 6, 2020 19:05:06 GMT
My Grandad once told me when in trouble to fight fire with fire.
I'm not too sure now though, I've been done three times and now they tell me it's best to fight fire with water.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 7, 2020 15:15:40 GMT
Father: "Why did you fail your mathematics test?"
Son: "On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8."
Father: "So?"
Son: "On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8
And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8...
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 7, 2020 16:21:46 GMT
Two cannibals were sharing a meal together. One says to the other, "I don't like my mother-in-law." The other cannibal replies, "Just eat the vegetables then."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 8, 2020 8:01:54 GMT
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
Then a voice from the back of the room piped up: "Yeah, right."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 8, 2020 18:21:04 GMT
These are some of the funny answers given on Family fortunes:
Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue Suede Moon
Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse
A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
Something you open other than a door - Your bowels
A food that can be brown or white - Potato
A jacket potato topping - Jam
A famous Scotsman - Jock
Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
Something with a hole in it - Window
A non living object with legs - Plant
A domestic animal - Leopard
A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
A way of cooking fish - Cod
Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings
Something you might be allergic to - Skiing
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
Something associated with the police - Pigs
A sign of the zodiac - April
Something slippery - A conman
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
Name something Red - My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal - Mail
A number you have to memorise - 7
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Something you put on walls - Roofs
Something in the garden that's green -A Shed
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Post by althea on Jan 8, 2020 18:28:28 GMT
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 9, 2020 12:06:29 GMT
A schoolboy who dreamed of becoming a game warden in a safari park in Africa finally achieved his life's ambition, after years of longing and saving every penny for the trip.
He loved his job so much, he worked all the hours under the sun and didn't even take any annual leave for many years.
When he did eventually take some leave, went to his doctor for a check up and everything was all well and good,
While in the surgery, he took the opportunity to ask the Dr : "Is it possible for a man fall head over heals in love with an elephant and for the elephant to love him back unconditionally ?".
Dr : "No, that's totally ridiculous".
Young man : "Well, do you know anyone who would like to buy a very large engagement ring ?".
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Post by aubrey on Jan 9, 2020 13:01:55 GMT
Burt Bacharach: Who's your favourite composer?
Sean Connery: Schubert.
Burt Bacharach: That's very kind. Thanks, Sean.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 9, 2020 15:10:31 GMT
On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN TOILETS 8 MILES".
By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 toilets.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 10, 2020 11:17:46 GMT
A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash.
He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Did you find that unusual??"
"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual ... because he hated the book!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 11, 2020 10:02:09 GMT
A lorry shed its load of toupee's this morning, during the rush hour traffic.
I came passed there again this afternoon and police were still combing the area.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2020 1:26:19 GMT
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