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Post by rondetto on Dec 9, 2019 16:43:34 GMT
Paddy has just got his second question right on Who wants to be a millionaire and now has to answer the £200 question.
"So, here's the third question for £200......Who was the great train robber.
Was it:
A. Ronnie Biggs
B. Ronnie Barker
C. Ronnie Parker
D. Ronnie Wood
Paddy says: "Well Jeremy I've had a good time and I'm going to take the £200."
Jeremy Clarkson said: "Are you bloody stupid, you have all your lives left, you could phone a friend."
Paddy replied: "Jeremy I might be bloody stupid but I'm not a bloody grass."
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Post by rondetto on Dec 10, 2019 12:34:48 GMT
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.
"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get to one."
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Post by rondetto on Dec 10, 2019 18:24:11 GMT
"Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing into the future."
"When did you first notice this happening?"
"Next Tuesday."
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2019 23:19:21 GMT
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Post by ARENA on Dec 11, 2019 9:59:03 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Dec 11, 2019 12:53:47 GMT
To all Employees:
It has been brought to Management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings you are when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 new and innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and Information can continue to flow in an effective manner.
1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
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Post by rondetto on Dec 12, 2019 10:22:05 GMT
Jeremy Corbyn is worried that today might be a close shave - something he hasn't contemplated for years.
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Post by rondetto on Dec 12, 2019 18:05:49 GMT
A concerned woman phones a doctor and says, "Doctor, I'm worried about my husband. He thinks he's a dog!"
"I'm coming over right away," the doctor says.
When the doctor arrives, the woman opens the door, and her husband, on all four, starts wagging his bottom and licking the doctor's hand.
"Interesting", the doctor says, startled. "I'll examine him. Make him lie down on the sofa."
"Doctor", the woman says, "I can't! He's not allowed the sofa!"
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Post by rondetto on Dec 13, 2019 11:21:04 GMT
The Lord of the manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit earlier than expected. He entered the master bedroom to change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir Archibald Carpley.
The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity. With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her with servants, expensive clothes and jewels, and almost anything she desired.
By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his Lordship then turned his wrath on his supposed friend: "And as for you Archibald -- you might at least stop what you're doing while I'm talking to you."
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Post by rondetto on Dec 13, 2019 14:41:47 GMT
The pre school class had settled down to its colouring
books.
Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss
Francis, I ain't got no crayons."
"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any
crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any
crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm
getting at?"
"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them bloody
crayons then?"
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Post by rondetto on Dec 13, 2019 15:33:08 GMT
Question:
A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
Well: The lions of course, If they haven't eaten for three years they are certainly dead lions.
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Post by rondetto on Dec 13, 2019 15:46:32 GMT
A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbour was called as a witness.
The defence lawyer asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"
"No sir," answered the man.
"Did you ever get any from his wife?"
"No sir."
"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"
"Uh...excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?"
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Post by rondetto on Dec 13, 2019 16:40:25 GMT
A salesman telephone a household, and a four-year-old answered.
Salesman: "May I speak to your mother?"
Child: "She's not here."
Salesman: "Well, is anyone else there?"
Child: "My sister."
Salesman: "O.K., fine. May I speak to her?"
Child: "I guess so."
There was a long silence on the other phone. Then;
Child: "Hello?"
Salesman: "It's you. I thought you were going to call your sister."
Child: "I did. The trouble is: I can't get her out of the playpen."
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Post by rondetto on Dec 14, 2019 12:28:14 GMT
A motorist gets caught in an automated speed trap that photographs his car. He later receives a ticket in the mail for £80 with a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sends the police department a photograph of £80. A few days later, he gets a letter from the police with a picture of handcuffs
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Post by aubrey on Dec 14, 2019 13:07:11 GMT
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