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Post by rondetto on Apr 26, 2019 14:54:34 GMT
While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.
"As you can see," he says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched."
The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, "What would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp, too."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 26, 2019 15:32:35 GMT
"Simon, if I had eight apples in my right hand and ten apples in my left hand, what would I have?"
"Bloody Huge hands, sir."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 27, 2019 5:51:51 GMT
A Father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"
"Yes, he wants to be a bin man," he replies.
To this his friend responds "Strange ambition to have for a career."
"Well, he thinks that bin men only work on Tuesdays!"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 27, 2019 10:41:25 GMT
Morris asks his son, now aged 13, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"
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Post by althea on Apr 27, 2019 14:28:02 GMT
Copycat.
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Post by althea on Apr 27, 2019 14:29:17 GMT
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Post by althea on Apr 27, 2019 14:32:17 GMT
I hear that building inspectors in Pisa are too lenient.
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Post by althea on Apr 27, 2019 14:32:51 GMT
I've gotten so angry about graffiti in public toilets that I've signed a partition.
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Post by rondetto on Apr 28, 2019 10:55:17 GMT
This young couple invited their parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their young son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth. "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard my Dad say to Mum, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 28, 2019 18:14:52 GMT
A man and his wife were having some problems and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he'd need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper: "Please wake me at 5 a.m."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 a.m. and he'd missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and scream at his wife when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed that said: "It's 5 a.m. Wake up.
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Post by rondetto on Apr 29, 2019 10:25:12 GMT
Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door,she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said:
“Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.”
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Post by rondetto on Apr 29, 2019 14:44:06 GMT
Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
"Not at all, I reckon now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 30, 2019 12:19:12 GMT
What lights up a football stadium? A football match! If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls? Cornflakes! Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space? Because there is no atmosphere! Where do spiders play their FA Cup final? Webley stadium! When fish play football, who is the captain? The team's kipper! Ref: I'm sending you off Player: What for? Ref: The rest of the match! Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market? They tend to go cheep! What is a goal keepers favourite snack? Beans on post!
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Post by rondetto on May 1, 2019 8:19:35 GMT
An old fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those diesel engines for my boat that you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a cheque."
In a short time, he received the following reply: "Please send cheque. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."
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Post by rondetto on May 1, 2019 11:19:26 GMT
Heard on a London tube train.
"When you exit the train, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step."
"If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."
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