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Post by marispiper on Jun 16, 2017 7:33:27 GMT
I always love the corny, groany ones 😁😁😁
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Post by goldelox on Jun 16, 2017 8:52:50 GMT
First oldie: How are you?
Second oldie: Oh, the usual aches and pains. And you?
First oldie: I feel like I was really young again! No hair,no teeth and I just pissed my pants.
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Post by rondetto on Jun 16, 2017 9:42:28 GMT
After her conviction of murder, the Judge during her sentencing hearing said, "Mrs. Grey, after you put the arsenic in the stew and served it to your husband, didn't you feel even a little remorse for what you were doing?"
"I did your honour," she said calmly. "And when was that?"
"When he asked for seconds." she replied.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2017 22:20:32 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Jun 17, 2017 11:47:34 GMT
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.
"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get to one."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 17, 2017 20:12:50 GMT
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two British guys are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.
The two Brits just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?" he tries.
The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?"No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Brit turns to the second and says, "You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language"
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 18, 2017 11:02:42 GMT
Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women."
The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."
"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"
"No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that silly grin off your face."
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Post by althea on Jun 18, 2017 11:30:16 GMT
A plane is on its way to Toronto , when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, I'm sorry." And gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
...
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
..
"I told her, 'first class isn't going to Toronto."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 18, 2017 15:15:52 GMT
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in Liverpool city centre. The mother was trying to hail a taxi, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.
The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mummy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"
The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."
The taxi driver, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud... They're prostitutes!"
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mummy, do them ladies have any children?"
The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think taxi drivers come from?"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 19, 2017 13:26:39 GMT
Lawyer: "Are you sexually active?"
WITNESS: "No, usually just lie there."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 19, 2017 13:33:12 GMT
A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''''I''m Eddie, I''m here to pick up Betty. We''re going for spaghetti, is she ready?''''
"No," the farmer said.
The second beau came to the door and said, ''''I''m Joe, I''m here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''''
"No."
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''''Hello, my name is Chuck.''''
The farmer shot Chuck.
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Post by rondetto on Jun 19, 2017 14:25:09 GMT
A beautiful young model is about to undergo a minor operation.
She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before they enter room she leaves her behind the theater door to go in and check whether everything is ready.
A young man in a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body, then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man then comes over and does the same examinations. He then beckons to a third man who comes over and starts examining her body so closely that she begins to grow impatient.
She says, "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?" One of the men wearing a white coat shrugs his shoulders and says, "No good asking us, we're just here to paint the corridor"
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Post by ARENA on Jun 19, 2017 15:27:39 GMT
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Post by althea on Jun 19, 2017 17:21:04 GMT
They say exercise makes you look better naked.
So does Tequila ~ your choice.
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Post by rondetto on Jun 19, 2017 17:37:23 GMT
A miserly man was looking for a gift to give a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken and he could purchase it for almost nothing.
He asked the store to send it hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit.
In due time he received a note: "Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."
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