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Post by marispiper on Jun 19, 2017 17:59:30 GMT
Lawyer: "Are you sexually active?"
WITNESS: "No, usually just lie there." I don't know why, this one made me think of that scene in Early Doors where the two coppers drop by for a swift half out the back. They are telling Eddy about their day and a woman who had reported a man 'flashing'. They said "We had to ask her...was he in a state of arousal?' and she answered 'No. He was in a Ford Cortina' Classic |
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Post by rondetto on Jun 19, 2017 18:24:28 GMT
Yes, I remember that, such a funny line.
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Post by rondetto on Jun 20, 2017 10:39:34 GMT
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing nappies. "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled,"Oh! I didn't mean the next nappy. I meant the next baby!"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 20, 2017 14:27:53 GMT
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mum. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mum. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 20, 2017 15:40:06 GMT
An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffee cake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
"This is a very special coffee cake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning, and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffee cakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery. And sure enough, he continued, on the eighth time around the block, there it was!"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 20, 2017 18:16:22 GMT
Lawyer: "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: "Sir, are you sure you are qualified for this job? "
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Post by rondetto on Jun 21, 2017 11:38:27 GMT
A couple who'd been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?"
He moved over and sat close to her.
"Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?"
He reached over and held her tight.
"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?"
With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 21, 2017 11:51:15 GMT
A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping centre and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 21, 2017 12:51:30 GMT
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!
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Post by ARENA on Jun 22, 2017 9:37:31 GMT
A Jewish lady's grandson is playing in the water, she is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the boy is wading.
The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He simply vanished. She holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries, "Lord, how could you? Have I not been a wonderful mother and grandmother? Have I not given to Bnai Brith and Haddasah? Have I not tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?" A few minutes later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had ever happened. A loud voice booms from the sky, "Okay, okay, I have returned your grandson.
Are you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 22, 2017 10:48:27 GMT
"Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing into the future."
"When did this first happen?"
"Next Tuesday."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 22, 2017 12:41:45 GMT
Lawyer: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
WITNESS: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And what were you doing at that time?"
WITNESS: "Um.... Now let me see..."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 22, 2017 15:51:43 GMT
In a terrible accident on a dark night at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."
"How's that?" the lawyer asked.
"I was afraid he was going to ask if the damn lantern was lit!"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 22, 2017 15:58:35 GMT
In an airport, an old couple goes to the ticket counter. they just got their tickets and were ready to board the plane. the ticket counter agent asked a baggage handler to come over to get their bag.
The ticket counter agent said to the baggage handler, " Take this bag to the plane. "
Leaving the old man to lug their hand luggage. The baggage handler said to the old lady: "This way to the plane, madam. "
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Post by rondetto on Jun 22, 2017 18:28:04 GMT
A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.
"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"
"From my nose," the drunk replied.
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