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Post by rondetto on Sept 22, 2020 10:24:25 GMT
I’m looking for some advice with a problem we have with persistent condensation in our house.
You’re welcome to come over and have a look any time. The kettle’s always on.
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Post by althea on Sept 22, 2020 18:15:58 GMT
Tequila may not fix your life - but it's worth a shot.
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Post by rondetto on Sept 23, 2020 11:07:47 GMT
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
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Post by rondetto on Sept 23, 2020 12:44:28 GMT
An employment interviewer for a big company in London was talking to an attractive young woman applying for a job.
Looking over the application form, the interviewer noticed that the girl had not answered one important question concerning transportation to and from work, as she lived outside the city.
"What about your bus line?" the interviewer asked her.
"Oh dear that's a bit personal," came the reply, "but it's a 36C."
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Post by ARENA on Sept 24, 2020 7:36:26 GMT
You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
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Post by rondetto on Sept 24, 2020 11:22:14 GMT
Don't miss out on Christmas, there's a way to beat the Covid-19 restrictions.
The only way we can do Christmas is to kill the turkey and then have 30 people round for the Turkey's funeral!
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Post by rondetto on Sept 24, 2020 14:11:44 GMT
So I'm heading up to my parents house driving like 90 mph when a lady cop pulls me over, comes up to my car and she's like...
"Young man you were speeding? I've been waiting for you all day."
I look up to her and I say, "I'm so sorry I'm late officer, I got here as fast as I could..."
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2020 17:51:42 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Sept 25, 2020 8:40:22 GMT
During the local match, a spectator was surprised to see a dog walk onto the pitch and start kicking the football, eventually scoring two goals. "That's incredible!" he exclaimed to the man next to him.
"Yes," he said, "but he's a terrible disappointment to his parents. They wanted him to take up cricket."
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Post by rondetto on Sept 25, 2020 13:23:57 GMT
A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. “My love," he wrote “we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?"
So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?" He eventually hooked up with many girls on the island.
When his tour of duty came to an end he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!"
"First let's see you play that harmonica!"
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Post by althea on Sept 25, 2020 18:01:05 GMT
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
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Post by althea on Sept 25, 2020 18:01:29 GMT
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
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Post by althea on Sept 25, 2020 18:02:09 GMT
I can please only one person a day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either................
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Post by althea on Sept 25, 2020 18:04:16 GMT
What do you do when you see a spaceman.
Park in it, man.
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Post by althea on Sept 25, 2020 18:05:38 GMT
''An Intelligent Wife Is One Who Makes Sure She Spends So Much That Her Husband Can't Afford Another Woman".
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