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Post by rondetto on Sept 13, 2020 14:10:11 GMT
Getting old and realising it:
- You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
- You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
- The cardiologist's diet... if it tastes good, spit it out.
- You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
- When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there. _______________________________
"To do is to be..." -- Descartes.
"To be is to do..." -- Sartre.
"Do be do be do..." – Sinatra!
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Post by aubrey on Sept 13, 2020 15:36:07 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Sept 14, 2020 11:19:19 GMT
The sergeant was in one of his rare moods as he lectured the recruits.
"Let me ask you a simple question, what is fortification?"
There was no response. Nor did any of the rookies answer when he repeated the question.
Walking up to the new man who looked closest to normal, the sergeant barked right into his face, "What is fortification?"
The soldier gulped and managed an answer, "Two twentifications, Sarge!"
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Post by rondetto on Sept 14, 2020 14:04:23 GMT
Lawyer: "Is it a crime to throw sodium in your enemy's eyes?"
Judge: "Yes, that's assault."
Lawyer: "I know it's a salt but is it a crime?"
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Post by althea on Sept 14, 2020 15:30:19 GMT
Have you ever tried to eat a Whelk?
I chewed one for four and a half hours. I took it out of my mouth and there wasn't a mark on it.
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Post by althea on Sept 14, 2020 15:30:50 GMT
A Parcel Force man wound his van window down and asked me what the time was.
I told him it was between nine and five.
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Post by althea on Sept 14, 2020 15:31:15 GMT
When I went on holiday last year, my flight was delayed for four hours.
I asked the stewardess what had happened.
She said the pilot had heard a funny noise in the engine and it took them four hours to find a pilot who couldn't hear it.
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Post by althea on Sept 14, 2020 15:31:43 GMT
I hate flying and people tell me when your numbers up, it's up.
What about when the pilot's number is up? Why get me involved?
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Post by althea on Sept 14, 2020 15:32:25 GMT
I went to a very expensive restaurant. When I saw the prices, I went for the cheapest lunch, it was boneless chicken. When it arrived it was a fried egg!
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Post by althea on Sept 14, 2020 15:32:50 GMT
I hate people who take drugs - you know, like customs men and the police.
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Post by althea on Sept 14, 2020 15:33:41 GMT
"Doctor, can you recommend anything for yellow teeth?" "How about a brown tie?"
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Post by rondetto on Sept 14, 2020 16:22:25 GMT
1st Roman Soldier: "What is the time?"
2nd Roman Soldier: "XX past VII!"
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
He couldn't control his pupils!
Teacher: "What family does the octopus belong to?"
Pupil: "Nobody I know!"
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Post by rondetto on Sept 15, 2020 11:35:44 GMT
A man asks his friend for a cigarette. His friend says, "I think you made a New Year resolution to quit smoking."
The man says, "I am in the process of quitting. Right now, I am in the middle of phase one."
"What's phase one?"
"I've quit buying them."
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Post by rondetto on Sept 15, 2020 12:36:15 GMT
My friend Kim announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently during lock down. “Good!” I exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and chips, I’ll call you first.”
“Great!” she replied. “I’ll come with you.”
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Post by rondetto on Sept 15, 2020 13:44:31 GMT
There was once a bass guitar player that was getting a divorce from his wife. The court ordered that his wife was guaranteed to HALF of what he owned.
So she got his E string and his D string. All he had left was a G string. ______________________________
Carol: "What’s your pet pig’s name? "
Alice: "Ballpoint. "
Carol: "Is that his real name? "
Alice: "No, that’s his pen name."
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