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Post by rondetto on Jul 12, 2020 13:41:59 GMT
In a kids bedroom:
3 year old: "I can't sleep ."
Father: "Why not?"
3 year old: "There are scary monsters under my bed. "
Father: "Scarier than your mother? "
3 year old: "Nope.....zzz"
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Post by rondetto on Jul 13, 2020 10:49:20 GMT
Thinking I may save some money by not buying a ticket for the cable car in Llandudno I decided to walk a few blocks to get to my destination.
When I reached the top of the last of the great Orme I was pretty well bushed, I then noticed a sharp bend in the road which lead to a university campus, a school and a college.
It was a steep learning curve, I can tell you that!
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Post by rondetto on Jul 13, 2020 13:52:23 GMT
A neighbour asked his friend, who was celebrating 50 years of marriage, what the secret was to a long and happy marriage?
His friend replied, "When we were first married, we vowed to go out twice a week no matter how little money we had and we have done so for 50 years."
"Twice a week, you say?"
"Yeah. She goes out on Tuesday and I go out on Friday."
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Post by althea on Jul 13, 2020 14:43:06 GMT
I sent that Ancestry site some information on my family tree.
They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over.
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Post by althea on Jul 13, 2020 14:44:13 GMT
Red Riding Hood:
Grandma what big eyes you have
Grandma What a big nose you have
Grandma what big teeth you have!!
Grandma:
You are my least favourite grandchild!
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Post by aubrey on Jul 13, 2020 14:48:12 GMT
A neighbour asked his friend, who was celebrating 50 years of marriage, what the secret was to a long and happy marriage? His friend replied, "When we were first married, we vowed to go out twice a week no matter how little money we had and we have done so for 50 years." "Twice a week, you say?" "Yeah. She goes out on Tuesday and I go out on Friday."
That is genuinely good advice. Me and our lass hardly ever go out together.
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Post by rondetto on Jul 13, 2020 15:49:36 GMT
Jesus was checking in at The Holiday inn, he put a bag of nails on the counter and asked@ "Can you put me up for the night?"
It's funny that they say Jesus was a carpenter, I've got all their records and I've never heard him singing on any of them.
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Post by aubrey on Jul 13, 2020 17:21:27 GMT
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Post by aubrey on Jul 13, 2020 17:29:37 GMT
Jokes cut from a Victorian edition of Joe Miller's Jests.
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Post by rondetto on Jul 14, 2020 8:05:36 GMT
Our local municipal swimming pool is now open again. In order to enforce social distancing there will be no water in lanes 2,4,6,8 and 10.
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Post by rondetto on Jul 14, 2020 11:06:56 GMT
A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: "Do you know where you were going? " Blonde: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were going the other way."
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Post by rondetto on Jul 14, 2020 15:54:13 GMT
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with a Kebab or a pizza."
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
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Post by rondetto on Jul 14, 2020 17:52:18 GMT
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, an ordinary one."
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Post by rondetto on Jul 15, 2020 8:14:00 GMT
On arriving in Budapest for the Hungarian Grand Prix, Lewis Hamilton was asked 'What gear were you in at the end of the last race, Lewis?'
'Jeans, t-shirt and trainers."
Similar to Lee Trevino being asked 'How did you find the greens today' - his response, 'I walked up the fairways and they were there'
Or Sandy Lisle, asked what he thought of Tiger Woods (when Tiger was young). Response, 'I've never played that golf course.'
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Post by althea on Jul 15, 2020 8:16:36 GMT
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