Boris Johnson needs to cash a cheque in Natwest, more money for his sprogs pampers.
As he approaches the Natwest cashier he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID? "
BJ: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Boris Johnson, Prime Minister. "
Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc. all started by your lot, I must insist on seeing ID. "
BJ: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am. "
Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Johnson, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them. "
BJ: "Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque. "
Cashier: "Alright sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without an ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his driver, stepped outside, and made a beautiful shot across the Thames into a cup of tea held by the Natwest Bank's chairman without spilling a drop. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Gordon Ramsay came in without an ID. To prove who he was, he made delicious chicken parm right here on my table, called the branch manager an-effing donkey, and fired everyone at the fish and chips joint next door. With that we knew who he was and cashed his cheque. So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you? "
Johnson stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank. There is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. Except call my blind aide, Cummings perhaps?"
Cashier: "That will do just fine good Sir, will that be large or small notes?"
A lawyer's dog is having a great time running around the neighbourhood unleashed — it heads directly to the butcher shop and steals a roast.
The butcher heads over to the lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer replies, "Absolutely," and the butcher informs him that he owes him £18.50 because his unleashed dog just stole a roast from his shop. Speechless, the lawyer, goes on to write the butcher a cheque for the damages.
A few days later, the butcher checks his mailbox and discovers an envelope from the lawyer. Inside the envelope is an invoice that read: "£75 due for a consultation."
A group of soldiers are preparing for an attack from the enemy, when a private walks up to the captain and says "Captain, I've lost my rifle! What do I do?"
The captain thinks for a moment, then grabs a broom and hands it to the private. He says "If any enemies show themselves, just point this at them and shout "Bangity bangity bang." The private argues about how it won't work, but the captain insists until he finally gives up. "Well what about close quarters then?" says the private. The captain thinks for a moment, then takes a butter knife and sticks it to the end of the broom He then says "If they come close, just use this and say "stabbity stabbity stab" The private doesn't even bother arguing this time.
The next day, the enemy mounts a huge offensive. There is an immense army. The private starts aiming his broom and saying "Bangity bangity bang," and it actually proves effective. This guy starts mowing down the enemy soldiers with his broom, but there's just so many, and they start charging him. So he starts to "stabbity stabbity stab," and the soldiers drop in front of him bleeding.
After some time, there is no one left alive on the battlefield but him. There are corpses from both sides everywhere. Except there is one enemy soldier in the distance. The enemy soldier is not aiming a gun or anything. He is simply walking towards the broom wielding soldier while mumbling something. The soldier aims his broom and fires, but to no effect. He continues trying over and over, but the enemy soldier just walks towards him, still mumbling. The soldier gets close, and he tries stabbing, but it still has no effect. The soldier finally reaches him, and simply pushes him over. He literally crushes him just walking over him. As his life fades, he finally hears the enemy soldier walking off saying "Tankity tankity tank."
Donald Trump visited a elementary school to talk to a group of 3rd graders. He said to them, "Today we are going to discuss the difference between a tragedy, a great loss and an accident". Then he said, "Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?"
A little boy raises his hand and says, "If a kid runs out in the street after a ball and gets hit by a car." Trump says, "No, that would be an accident. Can anyone else try?" A little girl raises her hand and says, "If a busload of kids drove off a cliff."Trump says, "No, that would be a great loss. Come on, anyone else?"
A boy raises his hand and says and says, "If you and Mrs. Trump was on a plane and it was hit by a ground to air guided missile ." Then Trump says, "Well, Yes, but can you tell me why it would be considered a tragedy?" And the little boy says, "Well, it wouldn't have been an accident, and it sure as heck wouldn't have been a great loss."
Donald Trump met with the Queen and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?"
The Prime Minster walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Boris. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, he answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
Finally, Pence ran in to his friend Jack Murphy in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Jack, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Jack Murphy answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!"
Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle: It's my friend Jack Murphy!"
Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Boris Johnson!"