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Post by rondetto on May 20, 2020 12:28:53 GMT
Late one night at the insane asylum one patient shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
A person in another room said, "How do you know?" The first patient said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted,
"No I didn't!!!!!"
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Post by rondetto on May 20, 2020 15:12:14 GMT
Paddy and Shaun came out of the zoo with clothes all tattered and torn ans scratches all over. Paddy says: Don't know about you but that Lion dancing doesn't seem up to much."
Paddy said: "I have to stay home all week to study." "What for?" asked Shaun, " I have a urine test at the surgery on Friday."
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Post by rondetto on May 20, 2020 18:02:16 GMT
An old fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those diesel engines for my boat that you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a cheque."
In a short time, he received the following reply: "Please send cheque. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."
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Post by aubrey on May 21, 2020 10:52:41 GMT
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Post by rondetto on May 21, 2020 12:03:57 GMT
I came second in the fancy dress contest, dressed as a giraffe.
OK, so I didn't win, but at least I can hold my head up high.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
I always wanted to be a millionaire just like my Father.
He always wanted to be a millionaire too.
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You may think I'm wrong stealing kitchen utensils.
But that's a whisk I'm willing to take.
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A mathematician friend of mine has a phobia about negative numbers.
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
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A baby camel, as youngsters will, is pestering her mother with questions.
Baby: Mum, why have I got these huge three toed feet?
Mum: Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand.
Baby: Mum, why have I got these great long eyelashes?
Mum: To keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert."
Son: Mum, why have I got these great big humps on my back
Mum: ( getting impatient ) To help us store water for our long treks across the desert"
Son: So we have huge feet to stop us sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and humps to store water. So what the hell are we doing in London zoo?
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Post by rondetto on May 21, 2020 12:43:22 GMT
A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After awhile a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello, Luv, how about us going for a walk together?"
"How dare you!" said the woman, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!"
"Well, then," said the beggar, "what are you doing on my bed?"
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Post by rondetto on May 21, 2020 13:09:34 GMT
Little Johnny was being shown the shape of the earth on a globe atlas by his mother. After pointing to all countries with unusual shapes, she asks: "Now Johnny, what shape is the world?"
Johnny, looking very wise and happy, said: "Daddy says it's in a bloody awful shape."
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Post by althea on May 21, 2020 14:08:51 GMT
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Post by althea on May 21, 2020 14:09:47 GMT
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Post by althea on May 21, 2020 14:10:20 GMT
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Post by althea on May 21, 2020 14:11:05 GMT
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Post by althea on May 21, 2020 14:13:13 GMT
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Post by rondetto on May 21, 2020 18:19:56 GMT
Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins"
"That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!!
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Post by rondetto on May 22, 2020 8:33:56 GMT
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
“Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to mother?
Who does everything she says?”
Five small voices answered in unison.
“Okay, dad, you win the toy.”
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Post by rondetto on May 22, 2020 17:26:39 GMT
Esther and Sally, two elderly widows in a Majorca adult hotel, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Esther says, "Sally, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."
Sally agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."
"Of course I'm lonely," he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."
"You're kidding! What for?"
"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."
"What happened to your second wife?"
"I shot her."
"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"
"We had a fight and she fell off a building."
"Oh my," says Sally. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Esther, It's ok...he's single."
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