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Post by althea on Mar 15, 2024 13:25:57 GMT
My friend keeps saying, ‘Cheer up, man. It could be worse; you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.’
I know he means well.
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Post by rondetto on Mar 15, 2024 17:40:40 GMT
A LOT OF PEOPLE do NOT know what is the actual colour of water.
💧
Well, if you think about it, the answer is very clear. ___
Did you hear about the man who fell into the upholstery machine? He's fully recovered now.. ___
My neighbour just walked past with two dogs. I said to him, "I didn't know you had any dogs?"
He replied, "They're not my dogs, they're my sisters."
I said, "Wow, your sisters are really ugly." ___
So: the police stopped this horse box being towed in the direction of Cheltenham Racecourse at well above the speed limit. Turned out that the box was empty.
Driver was questioned about his driving. "What's the hurry, you don't even have any horses in there" .
"I know" , said the driver. "I'm late. Got to be there in 5 minutes. I'm carrying the 'none runners." ___
I've been off work all week because my pet cow is sick.
My boss thinks I'm milking it. ___
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Post by rondetto on Mar 16, 2024 9:13:29 GMT
A dwarf was drinking in a bar when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said “I’ve always wanted to have sex with a little person”
The dwarf replied “I’m sorry, but I’ve had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get the crap kicked out of me”
“It’s ok” said the woman “ my husband is working away until next week “
So, against his better judgment he goes back with the woman.
Well, they start having amazing sex, when suddenly the front door opens.
“Bugger!! it’s my husband “ she said
“ Quick, hang out of the bedroom window, and when he goes for a shower, you can climb in and get away”
So the dwarf climbs out of the window and hangs on the ledge by his fingertips.
The husband comes in the bedroom and says “ darn , it’s cold in here” and slams the window shut and the dwarf plummets to the ground.
Well the woman is distraught and calls an ambulance.
A couple of days later she goes to visit the dwarf in hospital
“How are you” ? She asked
“Well my fingers are broken, I’ve got two broken ankles, a dislocated hip and severe concussion “ he said
“Oh dear” she said
“Still , it could have been much worse “
“Much worse !” Said the dwarf
“How do you figure that out?”
“Well” she said......“It’s lucky I live in a bungalow”
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Post by althea on Mar 17, 2024 16:26:04 GMT
I gave my pet pig a cell phone. So now he's at my bacon call.
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Post by althea on Mar 17, 2024 16:28:54 GMT
Why do people wear Shamrocks on St. Patrick's day?
Real rocks would be too heavy.
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Post by althea on Mar 17, 2024 16:33:46 GMT
Lasers were once a great scientific breakthrough - now we use them to play with cats.
Computers were once a great scientific breakthrough - now we use them to look at cats.
Conclusion: science was made for cats.
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Post by althea on Mar 17, 2024 16:34:54 GMT
There are no dress rehearsals at a nudist colony wedding.
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Post by rondetto on Mar 18, 2024 15:20:19 GMT
News just in….Three cliff walkers have fallen to their deaths! What are the chances of them all having the same name?
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I was kissing my girlfriend on the sofa the other night and she says to me, "Let's take this upstairs"
I said, "Yeah OK"
"How we gonna do this? You take one end and I'll take the other?"
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When you find a good wife you not only get a best friend and companion, you also receive a
Driving Instructor for LIFE!
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I got an old Elvis record down the market, called ‘Wooden Leg’,
I said to the bloke:
“I thought it was ‘wooden heart?”
He said: “well, yes, but this is a pirate copy”
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I give you words of Ancient Chinese Wisdom. Confucius says crosseyed teachers cannot control their pupils.
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Man discovers his girlfriend is really a ghost.
"I had my suspicions when she walked through the door..."
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lily
Silver Surfer
Posts: 137
Member is Online
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Post by lily on Mar 19, 2024 5:59:53 GMT
A rooster comes every morning to the coop of the 5 hens. He kisses 4 of them and plucks a feather from the last one. And so day after day until the last one rushes to him and asks him: "You kiss the other 4, but you always pull a feather from me! Why?? The rooster stares at her and replies softly: "I want you naked, baby!"
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Post by althea on Mar 19, 2024 14:46:06 GMT
All of us older folks know what it's like to live on the edge. We used to answer the phone without knowing who was calling!
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Post by althea on Mar 19, 2024 14:49:40 GMT
I've just met Phil Spector's brother Crispin. He's head of quality control at Walkers.
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Post by rondetto on Mar 19, 2024 15:19:23 GMT
Pulled a gypsy bird last night. She asked me did I want to go back to hers for a good time...
She wasn't bloody kidding. I went on the dodgems, waltzers, ghost train and came home with a goldfish! ___
Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath...
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me" everyone cheered. ___
A man goes into a bar with his small pet newt called Tiny. “A pint for me and a half for Tiny, please,” he says to the landlord.
The landlord asks, “Why do you name him Tiny?”
The man replies, “Because he’s my newt.” ___
“Poor old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink.
As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humour the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.” ___
Two snakes are walking down the street. "Oh man, I have to ask you something," the little one said.
"What is it?"
"Are we dangerous? You know, venomous?"
The other one said, "Of course we are, why?"
"Because I just bit myself!"
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Post by althea on Mar 20, 2024 19:14:09 GMT
Have you heard of the French artist who had two toilets a long way apart at opposite ends of his house? Yeah, Toulouse-Lautrec.
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Post by althea on Mar 20, 2024 19:25:31 GMT
"Coward" should really mean - to move in the direction of a cow.
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Post by rondetto on Mar 22, 2024 13:53:57 GMT
Husband: "Babe, after work I had an accident. Sabrina took me to the hospital. After various tests, they said I was in a bad state with cervical dislocation, multiple facial injuries. Also, they will have to amputate my right leg."
Wife: "*** you're leg, who the hell is Sabrina?
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Mother, father and son were having dinner, and the boy wouldn't eat his sprouts. Mother says "Son, eat your sprouts."
"NO" said the boy.
The father leans over and whispers in the boy's ear. The boy then quickly eats his sprouts and goes to his room.
The mother says "What did you say to him?"
The father says "I told him his willy wouldn't grow any bigger if he didn't eat them !!!"
The mother slaps the father around the head! He shouted "What was that for?"
The mother replied "For not eating your sprouts when you were a child!!"
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"A plastic surgeon's office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!"
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My first wife was of native American origin, her name was "Four Horses"
Didn't take me long to figure out what it meant
"Nag Nag Nag Nag"
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A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:
"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Colleen has been very difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is. Yes, I know you warned me. I remember you told me that she was evil and would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. I should have listened to you. You want to speak with her? All right."
He looks up from the phone and calls to his wife in the next room, "Colleen, your mother wants to talk to you!"
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A 3 foot 3 inch man knocked on my door this morning.
I said 'Who are you?'
He replied 'I'm the meter man'
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