Milkshakes

THROUGHOUT history, evil men have led nations into war, slaughtered their own people and doomed generations to slavery. But could today’s advanced thick shake technology have stopped them?

Idi Amin

The former leader of Uganda, a notorious butcher of his political opponents and his own people, would probably have resigned on the third occasion his cherished military uniform and medals were covered in vanilla shake that even dry-cleaners struggled to remove.

Adolf Hitler

In the first half of the 20th century lactose intolerance had yet to be invented, meaning thousands, like Hitler, drank milk without realising it was giving them terrible bloating, flatulence and delusions of racial purity. A thrown milkshake would have led Hitler to cut dairy from his diet in shame and consequently to drop the whole Nazi thing entirely.

Genghis Khan

The founder of the Mongol Empire was raised on fermented mare’s milk which sounds horrible. If he’d been given the shake treatment when invading the Caucasus then licked the delicious mix from his face, he’d have realised there was more to life than conquest and opened a cafe.

Vlad the Impaler

Poking your straw through the lid of a McDonald’s milkshake is quite like impaling a peasant, but afterwards you get to drink a milkshake. Vlad would, after obviously impaling the person to first douse him, found himself doing more of the latter and less of the former.

Margaret Thatcher

As the creator of soft-scoop ice-cream, Thatcher was already familiar with sweetened and emulsified commercial milk products. A milkshake couldn’t have stopped her reign of terror. Nothing could.