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Post by althea on Aug 18, 2020 10:18:47 GMT
I visited my granddaughter last weekend.
I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century", she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.".
Well I can tell you this, that fly never knew what hit him.
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Post by rondetto on Aug 18, 2020 13:45:37 GMT
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,"...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said'Holy crap! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
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Post by rondetto on Aug 19, 2020 10:14:26 GMT
Ads spotted in The Liverpool Echo:
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, £200 a month. References required.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel
UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
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Post by rondetto on Aug 19, 2020 11:40:00 GMT
Ethel passed away and Paddy called 999. The 999 operator told Paddy that she would send someone out right away. 'Where do you live?' asked the operator.
Paddy replied, 'At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.'
The operator asked, 'Can you spell that for me?'
There was a long pause and finally Paddy said, 'How about if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?'
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Post by althea on Aug 19, 2020 13:36:14 GMT
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Post by althea on Aug 19, 2020 13:36:47 GMT
In spite of my childhood dreams, nothing I have touched has turned to gold. Oh well, I Midas well accept it.
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Post by althea on Aug 19, 2020 13:37:22 GMT
I found twenty dollars in a car park, and I asked myself, "What would Jesus do?"
So I turned it into wine.
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Post by althea on Aug 19, 2020 13:37:54 GMT
Does anyone know if we can take showers yet, or do we just keep washing our hands?
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Post by althea on Aug 19, 2020 13:38:22 GMT
I found a fifty pence piece in the dryer. Am I guilty of money laundering?
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Post by althea on Aug 19, 2020 13:46:54 GMT
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Post by althea on Aug 19, 2020 13:47:23 GMT
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Post by aubrey on Aug 19, 2020 13:49:11 GMT
Our lass has just been out to collect my drugs, so that's a problem I don't have now. (Mmmm, drugs...)
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Post by goodlookingone on Aug 19, 2020 14:07:07 GMT
Did I mention this before: apologies if so.
A Church had a Billboard outside with any convenient Homily.: One read..
HAVE YOU SINNED TODAY
A very nice Lady added "If not, phone 1187.......... " etc.
(Sorry I can't remember the rest of the number)
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Post by rondetto on Aug 19, 2020 16:54:58 GMT
A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children. All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.
The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, 'Excuse me little girl, but why do you keep staring at me?'
Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour, and the table went quiet for her response. The little girl said, 'I heard my Daddy say you drink like a fish, I want to see how you do it."
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Post by aubrey on Aug 20, 2020 14:25:00 GMT
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn't figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn't her grandmother.
**************************************************************************************************
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there's a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
***************************************************************************************************************************
Me: This pizza is really good!
Somebody Who Visited Italy With Their Family For A Week When They Were 14: *sighs* It’s fine...
***********************************************************************************************
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