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Post by rondetto on Aug 14, 2020 8:32:55 GMT
A woman passenger was taken short on an aeroplane and asked staff if she could use the toilet. They refused (they were about to take off or something, when use of toilet is banned) so she peed on the floor.
Now for the punch line which you've so patiently waited for.
The airline was Wizz Air .
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Post by rondetto on Aug 14, 2020 14:13:14 GMT
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”
The politician whipped out his mobile phone, spoke for a while and then said, “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”
“We have no mobile phone reception at all in our village.”
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Post by rondetto on Aug 15, 2020 10:57:46 GMT
My wife and I have begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog.
It’s cheaper, and you get two more feet.
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Post by rondetto on Aug 15, 2020 13:26:22 GMT
George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son.
The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies: "Euro."
The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.
"What?" asks George. "Well there weren't any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Franc."
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Post by rondetto on Aug 16, 2020 7:42:08 GMT
Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he'd become comfortable, the front doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on terry cloth slippers and a large towel, wrapped his head in a smaller towel, and went to the door. A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any magazines. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.
The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and towels, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell, and hit his back against the hard porcelain of the tub.
Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor. After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"
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Post by rondetto on Aug 16, 2020 11:34:31 GMT
Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant, "You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers."
The man thought for a moment. "What are peers?" he asked.
"They're people just like you, your equals."
"Forget it," retorted the defendant. "I don't want to be tried by a bunch of thieves."
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Post by rondetto on Aug 16, 2020 13:48:51 GMT
The vicar of a local church was visited by a man evidently worse for liquor, and a young lady.
She said to the minister, "Please, sir, we've come to be married."
"I can't marry you with this man in this condition," said the clergyman. "Besides haven't you been here twice before, and haven't I told you the same thing?"
Yes, sir, you have," replied the lady. "But when he's sober, I can't get him to come with me, sir."
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Post by aubrey on Aug 17, 2020 9:19:58 GMT
• An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars. • A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly. • A bar was walked into by the passive voice. • An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening. • Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.” • A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite. • Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything. • A question mark walks into a bar? • A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly. • Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type." • A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud. • A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves. • Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart. • A synonym strolls into a tavern. • At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack. • A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment. • Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor. • A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered. • An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel. • The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known. • A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph. • The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense. • A dyslexic walks into a bra. • A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines. • A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert. • A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget. • A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
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Post by rondetto on Aug 17, 2020 10:40:23 GMT
I can't help but think we’d be speaking German if the Nazis had used rubber dinghies.
It would appear that Britain is utterly defenceless against them.
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Post by aubrey on Aug 17, 2020 11:52:16 GMT
I can't help but think we’d be speaking German if the Nazis had used rubber dinghies. It would appear that Britain is utterly defenceless against them.
They are refugees, Ron. They're just people trying to escape something that is unimaginable to most of us.
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Post by rondetto on Aug 17, 2020 12:03:16 GMT
It's just a joke.
My dyslexic mate Dave won a two week break in Faliraki in a competition.
When he returned two weeks later I asked him how it went.
“Rubbish! It was two weeks in Falkirk.”
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Post by rondetto on Aug 17, 2020 13:23:19 GMT
Mother decided that 7-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.
"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.
"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'
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Post by althea on Aug 17, 2020 14:42:04 GMT
I haven't attended any funerals lately. It's not fear of death. I'm just not a mourning person.
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Post by althea on Aug 17, 2020 14:42:43 GMT
If you think that the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things that I keep to myself.
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Post by althea on Aug 17, 2020 14:43:17 GMT
I wanted to name my son, Lance, but my husband said the name was too uncommon.
I told him that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.
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