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Post by rondetto on Apr 1, 2020 11:31:31 GMT
The salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in the department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.
Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said,
"And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside..."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 1, 2020 12:34:18 GMT
Everyday someone tells me I've got to exercise
So, I got a dog and named it 'Twenty Miles'. This way I can tell people that I walk twenty miles everyday.
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Post by rondetto on Apr 2, 2020 6:17:41 GMT
I just told my wife to put on a nurses uniform.
She asked me if I was feeling horny.
I replied: "No, I want you to nip to Asda we need some bread and milk."
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Post by honeybear on Apr 2, 2020 8:57:12 GMT
"Where's your husband?" "Oh, he's in the garden" "I didn't see him" "No, you'd need a spade for that"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 2, 2020 11:14:11 GMT
A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.
'To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and £2 million,' the attorney reads.
'To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and £1 million.'
'And finally,' the lawyer concludes, 'to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!'
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Post by rondetto on Apr 2, 2020 17:45:27 GMT
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbour owes me £500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the £1000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only £500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him."
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2020 21:54:11 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Apr 3, 2020 8:55:23 GMT
The Health lottery prizes have been revised as follows:
6 numbers = One Ventilator
5 numbers + bonus = Hospital bed (ward)
5 numbers = Hospital Bed (corridor)
4 numbers = Bottle of Calpol
3 numbers = Signed photo of Boris Johnson
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Post by ARENA on Apr 3, 2020 9:56:17 GMT
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?
One looks up the family tree and the other looks up the family bush.
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Post by rondetto on Apr 3, 2020 11:58:36 GMT
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realise your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God for that, I thought I had gone deaf!"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 3, 2020 17:45:07 GMT
A company owner was asked a question, 'How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?'
He smiled & replied, 'It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces.
...... One is paid parking, £10 a day."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 4, 2020 6:40:53 GMT
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
Friends were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
He replied, "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
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Post by aubrey on Apr 4, 2020 6:48:37 GMT
"This is my daughter, Beth."
"And what's Beth short for?"
"Well, she's only three."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 4, 2020 11:26:10 GMT
A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 4, 2020 11:28:22 GMT
There was a teacher who was shouting at his class because they were being lazy. "I wouldn't be surprised if 50% of you failed this maths class," he said.
One of the kids raises his hand, "But teacher, there aren't 50 of us in this class," he said.
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