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Post by rondetto on Jun 29, 2019 14:59:18 GMT
Murphy stumbled into a bar, half crocked. "Say," he said to the bartender, "how tall is a penguin?"
"About two and a half feet."
"Thank God!" cried Murphy. "I thought I'd ran over a nun!"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 29, 2019 15:03:40 GMT
The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - you've just made a mistake."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 30, 2019 11:06:44 GMT
A man takes his place in the theatre but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a 20p piece..
The usher looks at the coin in his hand, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 30, 2019 12:11:07 GMT
Patient: "Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people. " Doctor: "Tell me about your problem. " Patient: "I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!! "
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2019 12:27:00 GMT
A man takes his place in the theatre but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a 20p piece..
The usher looks at the coin in his hand, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it." Reminded me. As you know we were not supposed to accept gifts from patients or clients. One Christmas a lovely old dear insisted on giving ma a present, 50p. I graciously took it as it meant so much to her
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Post by aubrey on Jun 30, 2019 16:39:24 GMT
Sorry about the (occasional) language, but i giggled over this:
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Post by aubrey on Jun 30, 2019 16:41:52 GMT
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Post by aubrey on Jun 30, 2019 16:48:13 GMT
And this:
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Post by rondetto on Jul 1, 2019 10:37:53 GMT
Two cockroaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.
"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."
"Oh Please," said the other cockroach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"
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Post by rondetto on Jul 1, 2019 14:17:00 GMT
An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that in order to prolong his life, they should cut out all sex.
He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks of this, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming to die."
She laughed and replied, "I was just coming down to kill you!"
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Post by rondetto on Jul 2, 2019 4:16:47 GMT
"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said the teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy, confidently. "It Means carrying a child."
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Post by althea on Jul 2, 2019 8:37:18 GMT
Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched for "ninjas." The computer told me, "Ninjas not found."
Well played, Ninjas, very well played.
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Post by rondetto on Jul 2, 2019 11:20:52 GMT
A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
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Post by rondetto on Jul 3, 2019 16:46:10 GMT
An old man is afraid that his wife is loosing her hearing. So, he walks up right to her ear and asks, "Can you hear me?"
She didn't answer. He walked up closer and asked again. But there was no answer.
Finally he asked her one more time really loud and his wife said, "for the third time yes!!!"
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Post by rondetto on Jul 4, 2019 11:58:43 GMT
Dad, will you help me with my homework?"
"I'm sorry," replied the father. "It wouldn't be right."
"Well, " said the boy, "at least you could try."
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