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Post by arfurmo on Nov 6, 2015 19:35:50 GMT
Got a new(ish) car
Cannot understand the Owners Guide - only got to Page 5
The car does things that amaze me and sometimes does things I don't want it to do and undoubtedly will do things that I did not know it would do!
Take the 'key'.
You do not put it into a lock and turn, nor do you press it (goodness I didn't even know what pressing a key did on my old car!); no with this 'key' you just go near the car and it opens! When you get into the car you just leave the key in your pocket and press a button on the dashboard and the car springs into action - well almost - it first tells you (in bludy pictures for God's sake - for illiterate rich bastards presumably!)to press down the clutch and press the indicated button
After a short pause for thought the car starts and all sots of pictures , lights and indicators come alive.
'Put On Your seat Belt', 'Air Bags OK', 'You are Situated Here'(showing a map and an arrow), 'Your Last Average Speed was 35mph', 'You Can Travel 300 miles on your remaining Fuel', 'Your last Fuel mpg was 58mpg', 'Your Audio system is playing Bob Dylan singing 'I'll Be With you When The Deal Goes Down', 'Do Up Your Flies You Old Scrote'
Then I put it into reverse to move off the driveway and six sensors start bleeping and a picture shows me each of these six sensors in Green, Amber or red depending upon how close I am to things unseen!
God it's frightening! Like being an OAP Astronaut!
To top it all a camera comes on to show me whats behind me as if I am in some microchip Pantomime!!
I never even knew reversing was so complicated!
When I am finally on the Public Highway a picture shows me the bludy Speed Limit and bleeps if I am above it! How th f*ck does it know!
The lights come on automatically and dip automatically if there is an oncoming car!
The rear-view mirror dims if some hobbledehoy behind me (sans headlight detectors) has his headlights on full
The bludy windscreen wipers know when to wipe!
It tells me if I am changing lanes without signalling!
It tells me which gear I should be in!
I can tell it to cruise and it will search for homosexuals!
It apparently has Voice Activated Parking so I mustn't say 'Park' whilst driving because it will then stop and start searching for a bludy parking space!
I have to be so careful because I often say to the dog 'Are we going to the park then'. - I speak in hushed tones in case this beast of a car hears me!
I am not really sure whether I like my new car
I remember when cars made me use hand-signals and heaters were an optional extra and you had to de-coke the bludy thing"!
This car would disdain having 'Redex' put in the fuel tank and I feel sure would report me to the authorities
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Post by ARENA on Nov 7, 2015 8:48:56 GMT
Is it a DeLorean?  |
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Post by anybody on Nov 7, 2015 10:44:18 GMT
I'm thinking of getting a new (ish) car. What is it Arf?
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Post by arfurmo on Nov 7, 2015 13:11:53 GMT
I'm thinking of getting a new (ish) car. What is it Arf? A Qaqashi. I paid ca-cashi for it |
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Post by scorp on Nov 7, 2015 16:27:45 GMT
Great post, arfur! I'm not at all sure about all these gadgets that do the things the driver should be doing - manufacturers are fitting all sorts, and there is no standardisation!
Some years ago I was driving a Plymouth Fury (7 litres!) in Miami - a hired car, of course. At a stop light I applied the hand-brake. As the light turned green I released the hand-brake as I thought - actually the bonnet opened up, leaving me sightless! Aren't Miami drivers quick to hoot...?
Having closed the hood I still had to work out how to release the bloody brake.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 9, 2015 10:24:41 GMT
I like it Arfamo. We have all got soft and I still think back with some fondness to my Series 2 Land rover where the passengers had to learn sign language and needed spinal support and the radio I fitted (which you could only hear when parked) actually fell to bits with the vibration.
As for winter, the joy of melting just a little bit of the screen in front of you with an ungloved hand.
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Post by norty on Nov 9, 2015 12:14:01 GMT
I like to be in charge of my car too. I loathe the fact it doesn't trust me to manoeuvre it properly. I hate the parking peeps, they get progressively more manic the closer you are to an object, yet if you stop, get out and look how far you are there is loads of room! Mine have stopped working due to a strategically placed clump of mud. |
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Post by ARENA on Nov 9, 2015 12:20:01 GMT
My new car maintains the temp. Operates the wipers.Centrally locks you in. And loads of other things (which will go wrong) |
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Post by norty on Nov 10, 2015 10:22:23 GMT
My car locks me in too, which I guess is fine as I live in a city. But what if I were to have an accident and can't get out but no one can get in either, especially if the engine is still running?
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Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2015 15:45:24 GMT
Apart from company vans I made the decision some years ago NEVER to buy a new car. That was after I bought a brand new Citroen. The gearbox fell apart after 8000miles and the drivers seat after 10000.It was the biggest heap of sh1t I have ever had the misfortune to drive. It was shiny, and looked and felt opulent but other than that, an awful lot of money just to be a little bit ahead of the crowd.
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Post by scorp on Nov 11, 2015 6:25:09 GMT
For over ten years I had company cars - so I had the 'new car experience' three times... and it was great! The first one was the then brand new Nissan Primera - as were its successors, but each came with more features, the last adding air-con to the package. That was powerful, too - I managed to get freezing fog rolling out of the vents on one occasion. That car was the first I had with fuel injection too... glory days!
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Post by ARENA on Nov 11, 2015 9:45:44 GMT
My new one has cruise control & 6 gears. Essentials if you live in a village and travel on little back roads!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2015 11:00:50 GMT
My new Citroen was bought on the advice of my accountant shortly after I started the business. I was more than happy with the Ford estate car, but he talked to me in code and persuaded me. As things turned out he was the only accountant I have had who went to jail! A long and tortuous story but he was a bloody crook who took money, from me and a lot of other people and did not bother to submit the accounts. Caused a lot of grief.
My current car also has 6 gears and cruise control Arena. And it has 170,000 miles on the clock. Time for a change I think.....
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Post by jimshoo on Nov 11, 2015 11:40:08 GMT
My vehicle is chauffeur driven and has automatic doors. It's called a 207.
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