|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 3, 2017 10:09:35 GMT
The kindergarten class had settled down to its colouring
books.
Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss
Francis, I ain't got no crayons."
"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any
crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any
crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm
getting at?"
"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them damn
crayons then?"
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 3, 2017 15:12:39 GMT
This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
The guy said, "But officer, I have contacts."
The cop said, "Look, pal, I don't care who you know in high places ... I'm writing you a ticket."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 4, 2017 9:00:09 GMT
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbour to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbour protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who the hell wants HIM back?"
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 4, 2017 9:03:04 GMT
In Jamaica a steak and kidney pie will cost you £1.25. In St Kitts and Nevis it is only £1.10. Barbados does a nice chicken and mushroom pie, but it costs £1.30. Antigua sells both for the same price of £1.29, but in Grand Cayman you could have both for £2. Pies are available in Cuba and are quite cheap, but rather low quality.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 4, 2017 13:13:27 GMT
Nurse: "Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown."
Doctor: "I see, So what does he call his other eye?"
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 4, 2017 14:00:37 GMT
A blonde lady of the night has just retired and moves into the country to run a chicken farm.
She purchases a small farm, and orders 1500 chicks from the local feed store. About three weeks later, she orders 2000 more chicks from the feed store. After another three weeks, she orders 2500 more chicks.
The feed store owner says to the blonde, your chicken farm must really be growing.
She replies: "Its not growing too well, I am either planting them too deep or too far apart."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 4, 2017 17:27:21 GMT
An old farmer told his grandson the secret to a long life.
He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your porridge, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."
So the grandson did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.
When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren
...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2017 22:35:04 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 5, 2017 9:43:30 GMT
After dinner speaker: "Why did you write me such a long speech? The people were bored!"
Secretary: "Sir, I gave you a 20-minute speech, plus the two extra copies you requested."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 6, 2017 9:34:56 GMT
A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbour was called as a witness.
The defence lawyer asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"
"No sir," answered the man.
"Did you ever get any from his wife?"
"No sir."
"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"
"Uh...excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?"
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 6, 2017 12:06:28 GMT
One snake asks another, "Are we poisonous snakes?" The other replies, "Yes, of course! We're rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?" The first says, "Well I just bit my tongue."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 6, 2017 12:39:18 GMT
There were three men standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter came out to meet them and asked, "What would you like to hear your relatives and friends say at your funeral?"
The first man answered, "I am a renowned doctor, and I would love to hear someone say how I had been instrumental in saving people's lives and giving them a second chance."
The second man replied, "I am a family man and a school teacher. I would like to hear someone say what a great husband and father I was and that I made a difference in some young people's lives."
The third man replied, "Wow guys, those are all really great things, but I guess if I had the chance I would rather hear someone say, 'Look! He's alive...He's moving!'"
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 6, 2017 16:45:18 GMT
"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five beautiful women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."
The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"
"I push them away!"
"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"
The patient implored, "Please break my arms Doc!!"
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 7, 2017 11:43:36 GMT
A salesman telephone a household, and a four-year-old answered.
Salesman: "May I speak to your mother?"
Child: "She's not here."
Salesman: "Well, is anyone else there?"
Child: "My sister."
Salesman: "O.K., fine. May I speak to her?"
Child: "I guess so."
There was a long silence on the other phone. Then;
Child: "Hello?"
Salesman: "It's you. I thought you were going to call your sister."
Child: "I did. The trouble is: I can't get her out of the playpen."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 7, 2017 14:30:12 GMT
Two tons of human hair was stolen from a wig factory.
The police said they were combing the area.
|
|
