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Post by rondetto on Jun 29, 2017 10:26:44 GMT
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a cafe, four elderly farmers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yep, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Italy. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going down there again to bring her back home."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 29, 2017 14:02:19 GMT
Policeman: "Did you get the license number of the car that knocked you down?"
Pedestrian: "No, but I know who it was. My mother-in-law!"
Policeman: "How can you be so certain?"
Pedestrian: "I'd recognise that laugh anywhere!"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 29, 2017 15:44:45 GMT
Did you know, Robinson Crusoe was the first man to work a five-day week. He got all his work done by Friday!
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Post by rondetto on Jun 29, 2017 17:14:58 GMT
A man and a woman meet on vacation and quickly fall in love. At the trip's end, they decide to open up to each other.
"It's only fair to warn you, Jody," Bill says. "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep, and breathe golf."
"Well, I'll be honest, too," Jody says. "I'm a hooker."
The man looks crestfallen for a moment, then says, "Oh.. right, you must keep your head down and keep your wrists straight?"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 29, 2017 19:33:32 GMT
A boss was determined not to hire an Irishman, so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. The first question was, 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'
So Murphy say's, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, "What the hell's that?"
Murphy says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine." "Fair enough," says the boss. "Second question, same rules, but represent 99."
Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says.
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Murphy says, "Each trees dirty now! So it's dirty tree, 'n dirty tree, 'n dirty tree, dat's 99"
The boss is getting worried he's' going to have to hire Murphy, so he says "All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the Number 100."
Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "There ya go sir, 100." The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, "Ha! Got him this time." "Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred!"
Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and poos by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred. When do I start me job?"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 30, 2017 9:57:41 GMT
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study & said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little & get your hair cut, & we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back & again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car.
They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment & replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, & even Jesus had long hair ..." To which his father replied, "Yes, & they WALKED every where they went too!"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 30, 2017 12:40:04 GMT
A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store. When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the clerics: "Are you the fish fryer?"
"Oh, no, the cleric answers, I'm the chip monk!"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 30, 2017 16:41:56 GMT
I didn't know this, but it makes sense!!!
Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak at the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???
Ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new golf bag.
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Post by rondetto on Jun 30, 2017 18:16:44 GMT
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible.
It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mum just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks. "William," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.. It's killing me."
"Arnold," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"
"But David," she said, "the chicken you sent me was delicious!"
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Post by rondetto on Jul 1, 2017 9:13:04 GMT
A young mother finds out she is pregnant again, and she tells the good news to anyone who will listen. One day when the woman and her son are out shopping, a friend of the mother asks the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Oh, yes!" the little tyke says. And having overheard some of his parents' private conversations, he adds, "And I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call it Mary, and if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits."
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Post by rondetto on Jul 1, 2017 12:05:46 GMT
The Lord of the manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit earlier than expected. He entered the master bedroom to change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir Archibald Carpley.
The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity. With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her with servants, expensive clothes and jewels, and almost anything she desired.
By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his Lordship then turned his wrath on his supposed friend: "And as for you Archibald -- you might at least stop while I'm talking to you."
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Post by rondetto on Jul 2, 2017 11:28:45 GMT
The wife of a Monte Carlo doctor telephoned a local casino and asked to have her husband paged.
"Sorry, Madam," came the reply, "but the house does not make doctor calls."
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Post by rondetto on Jul 2, 2017 11:38:40 GMT
These are actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
Sign in a Rome laundry: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
Sign in the window of a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin."
Sign on the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life."
Detour sign in Kobe, Japan: "Stop: Drive Sideways."
Sign in a Swiss mountain inn: "Special today -- no ice cream."
Sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."
Sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."
Sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."
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Post by marispiper on Jul 2, 2017 12:51:10 GMT
A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"
"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.
"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.
"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.
"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and ice cream on ours." I might posted this before but this joke reminded me. We had our friends' little ones to stay and I took the youngest to the toilet and he peered into the bowl and said "What's that?" I said "It's a little block you hang over the rim to make the toilet smell nice" Unimpressed, he replied "Oh, my mum cleans ours" !! True 😁 |
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Post by rondetto on Jul 2, 2017 15:26:30 GMT
One evening a blonde went to seafood restaurant for dinner. When she saw the tank where they kept the lobsters she asked a waiter, "Why are those creatures in that tank?"
"They are the lobsters we serve our customers!" answered the waiter.
"You mean you're going to kill them," said the blonde.
"Absolutely," said the waiter.
The blonde was so upset that she immediately left, drove to a nearby convenience store, purchased some hefty bags and returned to the restaurant to accomplish her covert mission.
Taking pity on the poor creatures, she waited until the moment was right, and snatched all of the lobsters from the tank, threw them in the bag, and hightailed it out of the restaurant.
Later she went to the nearest forest to set the poor animals free.
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