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Post by rondetto on Jun 25, 2017 10:44:42 GMT
Cannibal school principal: "So, children, what did you make of the new English teacher?"
Students: "We made burgers with her Burgers, sir."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 25, 2017 11:58:55 GMT
A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.
But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."
"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 25, 2017 12:05:37 GMT
A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket. But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons.
As pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocked from his pants and tossed them in the trash along with the soles of his shoes.
A police officer who was observing the man asked him for some identification. The man gave the officer a document that showed he was an ordained minister of the church.
When the officer began to escort him to a mental institution, the minister protested violently, asking why he was receiving such unjust treatment.
"Look, we both know it's the best place for you now," the officer replied. "Anyone claiming to be a preacher who doesn't save souls or wear holy clothes has probably lost his buttons."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 25, 2017 15:23:09 GMT
The landlord of a pub, is just locking up, when there's a ring on the doorbell. He opens the door, and there's a snail sitting there.
"What do you want?"asks the landlord.
The snail replied: "I want a drink."
"Go away, we're closed, and we don't serve snails anyway".
The snail pleads and pleads with the barman to give it a drink, at which the landlord gets fed up, picks the snail up, throws it as far as he can, and then slams the door shut.
..... Exactly one year later, he's locking up again, and there's a ring at the doorbell. The landlord opens the door, and looks down to see a snail sitting there.
"What do you want" says the landlord.
"What did you do that for" says the snail.
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Post by rondetto on Jun 26, 2017 9:11:07 GMT
A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"
"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.
"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.
"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.
"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and ice cream on ours."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 26, 2017 11:48:56 GMT
Saying things without thinking:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
My sister and I were at the market and passed by a store that sold a variety of sweets and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts.." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned...and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.
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Post by rondetto on Jun 26, 2017 13:59:40 GMT
A true story from early settlers in America:
The Smith family was very proud that their ancestors had come over on the Mayflower, so they hired best-selling author Frank McCourt to look up and write a book about their family history.
Horror of horrors! They discovered that great uncle Fess had died in the electric chair for committing a murder. They were devastated.
They didn't want that in the book, but they didn't want to leave him out either.
McCourt said, "Leave it to me."
When the book came out, the section about Uncle Fess read like this:
"He was a man who occupied a great seat. He was attached to his position very firmly. His death came as a great shock."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 26, 2017 17:17:46 GMT
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said, after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death! We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those idiots!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 27, 2017 10:39:04 GMT
A doctor is doing the rounds of a maternity ward. "And when is Mrs. Smith's baby due?" he asks the nurse.
"The 5th of September," replies the nurse.
"I see," says the doctor, "And how about Mrs.Jones?"
"She's due on the 5th too," replies the nurse.
"And Mrs.Evans?" says the doctor.
"She's also due on the 5th," says the nurse.
"And, don't tell me Mrs. Brown is due on the 5th as well," says the doctor.
"I don't think so," replies the nurse. "She didn't go to the company new years eve party."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 27, 2017 10:58:37 GMT
There was a monastery perched high on a cliff. The only way to reach it was by riding in a basket, which several monks hauled up to the top.
The ride was steep, and to those who visited, it was terrifying.
One visitor was extremely nervous. Halfway up the ascent, he saw that the rope holding the basket was a bit frayed. He frantically asked the monk next to him how frequently the rope was changed.
After a brief silence, the monk replied,"Every time it breaks."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 27, 2017 17:37:45 GMT
One day St. Peter saw a Liverpool street gang walking up to the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there is a street gang of scousers at the Gates. What do I do?"
God replied: "Just do what you normally do with that type. Redirect them."
St. Peter went back to carry out the order, but he suddenly came running back and yelling, "God, God, they're gone! They're gone!"
"The scousers?"
"No, the Pearly Gates!"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 28, 2017 8:38:22 GMT
A concerned woman phones a doctor and says, "Doctor, I'm worried about my husband. He thinks he's a dog!"
"I'm coming over right away," the doctor says.
When the doctor arrives, the woman opens the door, and her husband, on all four, starts wagging his bottom and licking the doctor's hand.
"Interesting", the doctor says, startled. "I'll examine him. Make him lie down on the sofa."
"Doctor", the woman says, "I can't! He's not allowed the sofa!"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 28, 2017 11:34:05 GMT
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She was known as a two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog show and she won first prize."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She looks like she came in second in a hatchet fight!"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it."
I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She has a face like a saint--A saint bernard!"
"One day...as I came home early from work...I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy...Hey buddy...why are you doing that for? He said..Because you came home early."
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2017 20:27:30 GMT
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Post by goldelox on Jun 29, 2017 8:35:53 GMT
The Rabbi's Salary There was a rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the rabbi's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much his additional children were costing the synagogue. Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
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