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Post by althea on Sept 18, 2020 11:27:02 GMT
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in Manchester. He lies dying on the pavement as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest! Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd but finds no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Mary's Catholic Church on Mulberry Street, and every night I'm listening to the priest and congregation chanting. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to the dying man. He kneels down, leans over the injured man and intones in a solemn voice: " Dancing Queen: 17. Kelly's Eye: Number 1. Two Little Ducks: 22. Unlucky for some: 13...."
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Post by althea on Sept 18, 2020 11:27:49 GMT
A man is sitting alone in an airport lounge when a beautiful woman sits at the table next to him. He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :
'To Fly. To Serve'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:
'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him with hate in her eyes, and says: 'What the hell do you want now?'
'Ah!' he says
"Ryanair".
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Post by althea on Sept 18, 2020 11:28:20 GMT
I am fed up with my Bonnie Tyler satnav. It keeps telling me to turn around, it got me lost in France, and every now and then it falls apart...
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Post by althea on Sept 18, 2020 11:31:20 GMT
Have you heard that old Beatles song, "We all live in a state of quarantine."
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Post by althea on Sept 18, 2020 11:32:21 GMT
A bossy man walks into a bar.
He orders everybody a round.
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Post by althea on Sept 18, 2020 11:43:24 GMT
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Post by althea on Sept 18, 2020 11:43:55 GMT
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Post by ARENA on Sept 18, 2020 11:46:35 GMT
I have a tip for women......... or all of it if they like.
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Post by althea on Sept 18, 2020 16:01:30 GMT
OOH - err.................
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Post by althea on Sept 19, 2020 11:19:37 GMT
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Post by althea on Sept 19, 2020 11:20:03 GMT
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Post by althea on Sept 19, 2020 11:21:12 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Sept 19, 2020 11:40:52 GMT
A Blonde lady called the airline booking agent to ask how long a flight was from Manchester to Turkey?
The busy agent replied, 'Just a moment.'
The Blonde replied, 'Thank you,' and then hung up.
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Post by althea on Sept 19, 2020 11:50:54 GMT
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Post by althea on Sept 19, 2020 11:51:30 GMT
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