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Post by rondetto on Jul 6, 2020 17:20:38 GMT
An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"
The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every evening at 9 p.m. I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."
The reporter then asked, "That's ALL?"
The man smiled, "Well, cancelling my voyage on Titanic sure didn't hurt either."
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Post by rondetto on Jul 7, 2020 10:38:21 GMT
Dog talk:
Poodle: “My life is a mess.
My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.”
Collie: “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”
Poodle: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on their couch.”
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Post by rondetto on Jul 7, 2020 11:29:38 GMT
One day, a blonde's neighbour goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened.
The blonde said that her mother had passed away.
The neighbour made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left.
The next day the neighbour went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again.
She asked her why she was crying this time.
The blonde said, "I just got off of the phone with my sister. Her mother died too!"
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Post by althea on Jul 7, 2020 15:00:13 GMT
I was holding a friend’s baby, and they asked ‘Can you bring his wind up?’ so I said ‘Guess what everyone? He farts all the time’
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Post by althea on Jul 7, 2020 15:37:38 GMT
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Post by althea on Jul 7, 2020 15:38:05 GMT
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Post by aubrey on Jul 7, 2020 16:31:10 GMT
I was holding a friend’s baby, and they asked ‘Can you bring his wind up?’ so I said ‘Guess what everyone? He farts all the time’
Butler: "Show Mr Jones up, Emily."
New maid: "This is is the father of my unborn child!"
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Post by rondetto on Jul 8, 2020 7:40:51 GMT
Funny famous quotes:
My children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.'
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
Santa Claus has the right idea.
Visit people only once a year.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP!
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Maybe it's true that life begins at forty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
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Post by rondetto on Jul 8, 2020 11:23:37 GMT
If you haven't seen Snakes on a Plane, I recommend it. I would just recommend, don't spoil it for yourself like I did. Before I went, I read the title. That spoilt it for me.
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Post by aubrey on Jul 8, 2020 11:42:45 GMT
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Post by althea on Jul 8, 2020 12:04:20 GMT
They said I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
But to date I have made two vases and a bowl and they are lovely.
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Post by rondetto on Jul 8, 2020 13:17:45 GMT
Teacher: Why are you late?
Little Johnny: There was an old man that lost a wallet with £100 in it.
Teacher: Were you helping him search for it? How nice of you.
Little Johnny: Actually I was sitting on it, waiting for him to give up searching and leave.
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Post by aubrey on Jul 8, 2020 14:50:44 GMT
Imagine how excited Barn Owls were when humans invented barns.
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Post by aubrey on Jul 8, 2020 16:42:16 GMT
OFFICER: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers.
DETECTIVE: Dear God.
OFFICER: Most likely, yes.
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Post by rondetto on Jul 9, 2020 12:43:38 GMT
The first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food all over the baby.
His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband, who is just staring off into space and says, "What in the world are you doing?"
He replied, "I'm just waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."
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