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Post by althea on Jul 5, 2020 12:08:55 GMT
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Post by althea on Jul 5, 2020 12:09:18 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Jul 5, 2020 12:47:19 GMT
Three men were talking about what their children would be saying about them thirty years from now.
"I would like my children to say, 'He was successful in business'," declared the first man.
"Thirty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man'."
Turning to the third man, the first one asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in thirty years?"
"Me?" the third man replied, "I want them all to say, 'Blimey, doesn't he look good for his age!"
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Post by rondetto on Jul 5, 2020 13:28:40 GMT
Mabel never went to church. She always promised to go but never did. The vicar was astounded when she suddenly showed up for Sunday service. Thereafter she was there for every Sunday service.
Three months later, after a Sunday service, the vicar asked her, “What happened to you? You always dodged church and now it looks like you can't get enough of it?"
She replied, “It's this new car of mine vicar... they told me the warranty will lapse if I miss even one service!”
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Post by althea on Jul 6, 2020 8:55:35 GMT
If it wasn't for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for all of us.
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Post by althea on Jul 6, 2020 8:56:08 GMT
Two boy scouts come up to a man's door and ask him if he needs any odd-jobs doing around the house. "Could you paint the porch at the back for me?" he asks. "There's some white outdoor gloss paint in my garage". "No problem" says one of the the scouts, so they go round the back of the house and get to work.
After 30 minutes, they come back, and tell the man they've finished. "Wow, that was fast!" he says. "No problem" one says again. "But that's not a Porsche. It's a Ferrari."...
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Post by althea on Jul 6, 2020 8:56:48 GMT
It takes only four men to wallpaper a house, but you have to slice them thinly.
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Post by althea on Jul 6, 2020 8:57:19 GMT
I released my own fragrance yesterday - but no one on the bus seemed to like it.
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Post by althea on Jul 6, 2020 8:58:04 GMT
So I met a gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Weggie Kray
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Post by jimmy2020 on Jul 6, 2020 9:20:40 GMT
Three men were talking about what their children would be saying about them thirty years from now. "I would like my children to say, 'He was successful in business'," declared the first man. "Thirty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man'." Turning to the third man, the first one asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in thirty years?" "Me?" the third man replied, "I want them all to say, 'Blimey, doesn't he look good for his age!" They would probably be saying when will we finish the stock pile of toilet paper, flour, eggs, and pasta built up in the early 20s
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Post by rondetto on Jul 6, 2020 12:33:22 GMT
On a recent flight I was on, this elderly woman kept peering out the window.
Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing tip light.
Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
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Post by aubrey on Jul 6, 2020 14:52:11 GMT
A colon can dramatically change the meaning of a sentence.
For example:
"I ate Julie's sandwich."
"I ate Julie's colon."
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Post by aubrey on Jul 6, 2020 15:10:28 GMT
In the US:
Love how the mask shunners who are being filmed try to cover their faces, it's like, ma'am, have I got an easy, yet highly ironic solution to your problem.
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Post by althea on Jul 6, 2020 15:40:37 GMT
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Post by althea on Jul 6, 2020 15:41:07 GMT
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